I had my third u/s this morning for the cysts that are preventing us from TTC.
I still have 4 cysts ranging from 11 to 28 mm. It's actually a big improvement considering I started with 9 monsters. The only one that is really holding me back right now is a 28 mm. I can finally stop taking the oral progestin that has just made the last three weeks miserable.
My physical activity restrictions are lifted also. My husband still probably won't let me do any crazy lifting or work. He acts like my insides will bust out if I'm not careful.
It's funny how you always want what you can't have. Most of the time I'm rather blah about having sex unless it's sex week and we're trying to make a baby! But this past weekend I wanted to get it on so bad but I was still on restricted activity. Chris the ever safe one didn't want to break the rules. Maybe I should have gotten him drunk...
I'm going AMA (Against Medical Advice instead of the normal Advanced Maternal Age) and taking one more progestin pill and then waiting my period to show. The nurse said it should start in a few days from the drop in progesterone. We'll see how my timing works out. Hopefully my period will start between Thursday-Sunday so I don't have to miss a complete day of work for the baseline u/s. Traveling for work and under going fertility treatments is so stressful.
After my period, I'll go in for another baseline u/s (they let me come in CD 2-5) and then hopefully back on Clomid.
The nurse and doctor sounded a lot more positive that I would be taking Clomid this cycle than what I would have thought! So I hope they are right. They may be a little more lenient than what I've read. Some doctors have a cut off of 10 mm for cysts to start a medicated cycle. I had an 11 the second Clomid cycle that they approved any way.
I'm not doing too bad today. It's the EDD from my first pregnancy. I think the days leading up to today were worse than the actual day. Hopefully the free diapers and formula boxes will stop showing up in the mail soon.
Now I need AF dust. Specifically CD 1 Thursday to Sunday AF dust. :)
And here's a listing for those interested in the numbers.
Ultrasound on 1/28:
Left Ovary:
28 mm
14 mm
11 mm
Right Ovary:
14 mm
Ultrasound on 1/21:
Left Ovary:
35 mm
25 mm
23 mm
20 mm
Right Ovary:
28 mm
20 mm
Ultrasound on 1/7:
Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm
Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Grief is like a wave
The EDD of my first pregnancy is tomorrow. Another miscarriage milestone I guess. Just like everyone else, I hoped to pregnant again by today. Well, I was pregnant again for almost a week in August, but that pregnancy didn't work out either.
My first pregnancy lasted 9 weeks. My second, only 4.5 weeks. I definitely feel more connection to the first pregnancy. I had pregnancy innocence then. Things were uncertain then but I had a lot of hope inspired in part by the fact that I got pregnant on our second month of TTC. I had hope that we wouldn't need the money that we had set aside for fertility treatments after all. I had hope that at the beginning of 2008, we'd have our own little baby and be a family.
By the time I got pregnant the second time, I was already a little hardened. The second miscarriage definitely hit me harder than the first. All of a sudden I was in *THAT* category. Those that have multiple miscarriages with no living children. There were a few days in the beginning that I was understandably completely devastated- think big black hole, didn't want to TTC any more. I tried to imagine what living childless would be like. I couldn't imagine that for very long. I really want to have a family, either a biological child or a child adopted into our hearts. So soon those awful feelings passed and then I just wanted answers from the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss testing. I felt ready to go on rather quickly. It's not that I didn't mourn the second loss but I was already in a grieving state from the first. The second miscarriage just seemed like a continuation of the first one.
Sometimes the pain sneaks back up unexpectedly. This pain has a name...Grief. Grief isn't just limited to those of us that have lost a baby. Some women grieve every month when their period arrives. Those that are TTC with infertility know the pain of loss too.
I think about getting pregnant and having a baby every day. It's woven into my being right now. I can't escape it. And truly I don't want to. I think it consumes me in a positive way. It motivates me to continue on. I still have hope that this is possible!
I certainly don't feel positive 100% of the time. I cry over what we don't have. I cry over the could have beens and the should have beens.
Grief is funny. It doesn't make sense and it really doesn't have to. Whatever you feel, is what you feel. Our feelings are valid!
I don't wallow in my grief. I don't wrap myself in sadness. I can see babies without a dagger going through my heart. It may make me a little wistful but it doesn't knock me to the floor.
My husband has been so strong through this. I know part of it is the typical male response. I learned to lean not only on my husband but also more on God.
Grief is like a wave in the ocean...it can reach out and swallow you and then spit you out on the other side. It can be small calm predictable waves and then all of a sudden a monster wave comes out of no where.
I had parts of this blog post written when my friend, Darreth, shared how she was feeling after a recent pregnancy scare. She said that she felt as if she was out of control and being hit by waves. She quoted a devotion that said, "I can face the waves because I trust the one that made the ocean."
I trust the One that made the ocean. Please, dear God, keep me upright in these rough seas.
My first pregnancy lasted 9 weeks. My second, only 4.5 weeks. I definitely feel more connection to the first pregnancy. I had pregnancy innocence then. Things were uncertain then but I had a lot of hope inspired in part by the fact that I got pregnant on our second month of TTC. I had hope that we wouldn't need the money that we had set aside for fertility treatments after all. I had hope that at the beginning of 2008, we'd have our own little baby and be a family.
By the time I got pregnant the second time, I was already a little hardened. The second miscarriage definitely hit me harder than the first. All of a sudden I was in *THAT* category. Those that have multiple miscarriages with no living children. There were a few days in the beginning that I was understandably completely devastated- think big black hole, didn't want to TTC any more. I tried to imagine what living childless would be like. I couldn't imagine that for very long. I really want to have a family, either a biological child or a child adopted into our hearts. So soon those awful feelings passed and then I just wanted answers from the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss testing. I felt ready to go on rather quickly. It's not that I didn't mourn the second loss but I was already in a grieving state from the first. The second miscarriage just seemed like a continuation of the first one.
Sometimes the pain sneaks back up unexpectedly. This pain has a name...Grief. Grief isn't just limited to those of us that have lost a baby. Some women grieve every month when their period arrives. Those that are TTC with infertility know the pain of loss too.
I think about getting pregnant and having a baby every day. It's woven into my being right now. I can't escape it. And truly I don't want to. I think it consumes me in a positive way. It motivates me to continue on. I still have hope that this is possible!
I certainly don't feel positive 100% of the time. I cry over what we don't have. I cry over the could have beens and the should have beens.
Grief is funny. It doesn't make sense and it really doesn't have to. Whatever you feel, is what you feel. Our feelings are valid!
I don't wallow in my grief. I don't wrap myself in sadness. I can see babies without a dagger going through my heart. It may make me a little wistful but it doesn't knock me to the floor.
My husband has been so strong through this. I know part of it is the typical male response. I learned to lean not only on my husband but also more on God.
Grief is like a wave in the ocean...it can reach out and swallow you and then spit you out on the other side. It can be small calm predictable waves and then all of a sudden a monster wave comes out of no where.
I had parts of this blog post written when my friend, Darreth, shared how she was feeling after a recent pregnancy scare. She said that she felt as if she was out of control and being hit by waves. She quoted a devotion that said, "I can face the waves because I trust the one that made the ocean."
Psalm 93:3-4 Free use by permission from http://www.heartlight.org/
I trust the One that made the ocean. Please, dear God, keep me upright in these rough seas.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
I had a bad dream
And it was all because of this blinkie.
The very first night after I put this in my message board signature, I dreamed that I was pulled for a random drug test at work. This is a very real occurence and happens at least once a year. I was terrified in my dream because I just knew I was going to fail the drug test because of the crack!
I was so happy when I woke up and realized it was just a crazy dream. TTC crazies.
The very first night after I put this in my message board signature, I dreamed that I was pulled for a random drug test at work. This is a very real occurence and happens at least once a year. I was terrified in my dream because I just knew I was going to fail the drug test because of the crack!
I was so happy when I woke up and realized it was just a crazy dream. TTC crazies.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
It's a KO!
The progestin is winning. It's literally knocked me out. I'm tired most of the time. If I'm not tired than I have a headache, hot flashes, or generally feel like I want to curl into a ball and die, preferably mid nap.
I would think after 16 days, the side effects would be getting better not worse. I feel like I'm barely functioning which is not a desirable state to be in with my work. I've only been awake for 5 hours but I need a nap.
Sorry, my nesties, especially PL. I just don't have the concentration to nest much during the day right now.
Please, dear God, let this medicine get rid of my cysts ASAP. I really can't take too much more.
All I want to do is sleep. Forever, or until the cysts are gone.
I should have a sign hanging on my nose:
Do Not Disturb.
Wake only when ready to TTC.
Monday, January 21, 2008
They are down but not completely out
I had my two week follow up ultrasound appointment today.
On 1/7, I had 9 cysts ranging in size from 21 to 46 mm.
Today I had only 6 cysts ranging in size from 20 to 35 mm.
I didn't expect them to be completely gone since I was still feeling cysty. It's good to see that 3 got their walking papers and the other 6 are reducing in size.
My nurse gave me another two week prescription of the oral progestin (chemical progesterone). My next ultrasound is only a week away on 1/28. I doubt if the cysts will be completely gone by then. So I do expect to continue the progestin for the second week.
That would be a grand total of 4 weeks on this energy sapping prescription. That's the worse side effect so I really can't complain too much. I've been getting extremely tired and sleeping close to 12 hours isn't unheard of. Another way infertilty steals and consumes your life I guess. There's worse things than requiring a lot of sleep so I'll try not to complain. I just don't think my husband understands it though. He tries.
I'm still on restricted physical activity (no exercise, heavy lifting, or sex) because of the size and weight of my ovaries. The right one isn't too bad at all but lefty is still on the FAT side!
Overall I'm okay with everything. I expected it to take one to two cycles for the cysts to go away. I've made some progress so that's all I'm going to focus on. I'm trying not to think about how soon we'll be able to TTC or what EDD for 2008 are slipping by.
Speaking of EDD... 01/28/08 was the EDD of my first pregnancy. Most of the time the fact that it's approaching doesn't bother me. I've gotten all the newborn diapers and formula in the mail that I can handle though. ;)
I'll probably schedule a private cry on 1/28.
I find keeping track of my follicle sizes and cysts gives me something concrete to hold on to. If the nurse had only told me they were smaller, I would forever keep wondering how much smaller? Are they a lot smaller or just a little smaller?
Here's a listing for those interested in the numbers.
Ultrasound on 1/21:
Left Ovary:
35 mm
25 mm
23 mm
20 mm
Right Ovary:
28 mm
20 mm
Ultrasound on 1/7:
Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm
Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm
On 1/7, I had 9 cysts ranging in size from 21 to 46 mm.
Today I had only 6 cysts ranging in size from 20 to 35 mm.
I didn't expect them to be completely gone since I was still feeling cysty. It's good to see that 3 got their walking papers and the other 6 are reducing in size.
My nurse gave me another two week prescription of the oral progestin (chemical progesterone). My next ultrasound is only a week away on 1/28. I doubt if the cysts will be completely gone by then. So I do expect to continue the progestin for the second week.
That would be a grand total of 4 weeks on this energy sapping prescription. That's the worse side effect so I really can't complain too much. I've been getting extremely tired and sleeping close to 12 hours isn't unheard of. Another way infertilty steals and consumes your life I guess. There's worse things than requiring a lot of sleep so I'll try not to complain. I just don't think my husband understands it though. He tries.
I'm still on restricted physical activity (no exercise, heavy lifting, or sex) because of the size and weight of my ovaries. The right one isn't too bad at all but lefty is still on the FAT side!
Overall I'm okay with everything. I expected it to take one to two cycles for the cysts to go away. I've made some progress so that's all I'm going to focus on. I'm trying not to think about how soon we'll be able to TTC or what EDD for 2008 are slipping by.
Speaking of EDD... 01/28/08 was the EDD of my first pregnancy. Most of the time the fact that it's approaching doesn't bother me. I've gotten all the newborn diapers and formula in the mail that I can handle though. ;)
I'll probably schedule a private cry on 1/28.
I find keeping track of my follicle sizes and cysts gives me something concrete to hold on to. If the nurse had only told me they were smaller, I would forever keep wondering how much smaller? Are they a lot smaller or just a little smaller?
Here's a listing for those interested in the numbers.
Ultrasound on 1/21:
Left Ovary:
35 mm
25 mm
23 mm
20 mm
Right Ovary:
28 mm
20 mm
Ultrasound on 1/7:
Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm
Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm
Monday, January 7, 2008
Update to previous blog post
Beta is negative.
I'm starting the Progestin now. I take 10 mg every night for 14 days. Then I'll have my follow up ultrasound.
Please pray and send cyst bye-bye vibes. Thanks!
I'm starting the Progestin now. I take 10 mg every night for 14 days. Then I'll have my follow up ultrasound.
Please pray and send cyst bye-bye vibes. Thanks!
A freaking minefield
I have a freaking minefield in my ovaries.
This cycle has been f*'d up to say the least. And now it continues. So far I don't like my experience with medicated cycles.
Here's a brief recap: After RPL testing showed no problems except for my Advanced Maternal Age, my new RE put me on Clomid to produce more follicles and maybe even a better quality egg. The first cycle I responded beautifully, 4 potential eggs. Due to hostile CM from the Clomid, we had to switch from timed intercourse to IUI. The sperm count post wash was only 4 million. We attributed this to having sex only 24 hours before and the high fever my husband had a few days prior. Because of the sudden switch, the IUI was 48 hours post trigger which was really awful timing. No surprise, first medicated cycle BFN.
The second cycle during my baseline ultrasound, I had a small 11 mm cyst on my left ovary. My nurse okayed my to start Clomid. At my ultrasound on CD 11, I had a 35 mm cyst on old leftie. The rest of the medicated cycle was canceled, no trigger and no IUI because of the risk of ovary torsion. We were given the okay to try on our own. And so we did. I dutifully POAS trying to detect my LH surge. I saw lots of lines but the digital OPK never read positive. My chart was very inconclusive since the Clomid jacked my temps up.
Fast forward to yesterday. I started bleeding. It was light at first but got heavier to the point that I considered calling it CD 1. This was only 23 days from my last period. I'm normally a 28 day girl. But considering that this was a possible annovulatory cycle, I really wasn't expecting my period any time soon. My ovaries started getting even more painful and I went to bed early.
When I awoke this morning, I knew that my period had definitely started. We are going out of town tonight so I really needed to get into my clinic today for the baseline ultrasound. I might have stretched it a little by saying yesterday's flow was CD 1 but I hated to miss a full day's work to make it to an ultrasound later in the week. I felt pretty crappy and figured I still had a cyst or two. I knew Clomid was out this cycle. Instead of going on BCP, I planned on TTC a couple of cycles unmedicated to allow us a chance at getting pregnant and time for the cysts to go down.
I was prepared for a cyst or two and no Clomid this cycle. That was pretty much a given. Well, that one freaking cyst from CD 11 has grown and invited friends to move into the neighborhood.
I was not prepared for a freaking minefield and very serious warnings about the danger to my fertility.
Simply put, I have 9 cysts ranging from 21 mm to 46 mm. My ovaries are extremely heavy and there is a serious risk of ovarian torsion where the blood supply could get cut off to the ovaries. The ovary would then die without emergency surgery.
Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm
Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm
My nurse thinks that since my period started early, I ovulated early. Maybe around CD 10 or 11. She said it would be very unusual for me to not ovulate on 100 mg of Clomid since I ovulate on my own.
My chart doesn't really show ovulation but I could almost see that it's possible based on how my temps all were pretty steady. All the annovulatory charts I've seen, are pretty rocky up and down.
My lining is thick so a beta was ordered. Might as well throw a chemical pregnancy into the mix. (heavy sarcasm) I'll get the results after 3 pm. If it's positive, it really can't be a good thing because of the amount of bleeding.
I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy. No jumping around or exercising. No sex.
She said any of those things could cause the ovaries to twist on the thin ligaments that hold them floating in my pelvis. So despite my intention of going unmedicated, I really didn't have much of a choice about going on Aygestin. The cysts need to stop growing ASAP. I have a follow up ultrasound in two weeks.
God help me. I just want a baby. Not a fleet of cysts trying to take over my pelvis.
Aygestin (Norethindrone Acetate)
Aygestin is a form of progestin, a synthetic substance that chemically resembles progesterone, that may be prescribed in ovulation induction therapies to inhibit ovulation and quiet the ovaries in advance of egg stimulation using injectable hormones. This "down time" helps the ovaries respond better to treatment. In much the same way that oral contraceptives prevent pregnancy by inhibiting normal ovulation, Aygestin is used in IVF and related procedures to turn off the body's natural ovulatory cycle. Side effects of Aygestin may include: abdominal pain or cramps; diarrhea; fatigue; unusual tiredness; weakness; hot flashes; decreased sex drive; nausea; trouble sleeping; depression, irritability, or other mood changes; swelling in the face, ankles, or feet; weight gain.
This cycle has been f*'d up to say the least. And now it continues. So far I don't like my experience with medicated cycles.
Here's a brief recap: After RPL testing showed no problems except for my Advanced Maternal Age, my new RE put me on Clomid to produce more follicles and maybe even a better quality egg. The first cycle I responded beautifully, 4 potential eggs. Due to hostile CM from the Clomid, we had to switch from timed intercourse to IUI. The sperm count post wash was only 4 million. We attributed this to having sex only 24 hours before and the high fever my husband had a few days prior. Because of the sudden switch, the IUI was 48 hours post trigger which was really awful timing. No surprise, first medicated cycle BFN.
The second cycle during my baseline ultrasound, I had a small 11 mm cyst on my left ovary. My nurse okayed my to start Clomid. At my ultrasound on CD 11, I had a 35 mm cyst on old leftie. The rest of the medicated cycle was canceled, no trigger and no IUI because of the risk of ovary torsion. We were given the okay to try on our own. And so we did. I dutifully POAS trying to detect my LH surge. I saw lots of lines but the digital OPK never read positive. My chart was very inconclusive since the Clomid jacked my temps up.
Fast forward to yesterday. I started bleeding. It was light at first but got heavier to the point that I considered calling it CD 1. This was only 23 days from my last period. I'm normally a 28 day girl. But considering that this was a possible annovulatory cycle, I really wasn't expecting my period any time soon. My ovaries started getting even more painful and I went to bed early.
When I awoke this morning, I knew that my period had definitely started. We are going out of town tonight so I really needed to get into my clinic today for the baseline ultrasound. I might have stretched it a little by saying yesterday's flow was CD 1 but I hated to miss a full day's work to make it to an ultrasound later in the week. I felt pretty crappy and figured I still had a cyst or two. I knew Clomid was out this cycle. Instead of going on BCP, I planned on TTC a couple of cycles unmedicated to allow us a chance at getting pregnant and time for the cysts to go down.
I was prepared for a cyst or two and no Clomid this cycle. That was pretty much a given. Well, that one freaking cyst from CD 11 has grown and invited friends to move into the neighborhood.
I was not prepared for a freaking minefield and very serious warnings about the danger to my fertility.
Simply put, I have 9 cysts ranging from 21 mm to 46 mm. My ovaries are extremely heavy and there is a serious risk of ovarian torsion where the blood supply could get cut off to the ovaries. The ovary would then die without emergency surgery.
Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm
Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm
My nurse thinks that since my period started early, I ovulated early. Maybe around CD 10 or 11. She said it would be very unusual for me to not ovulate on 100 mg of Clomid since I ovulate on my own.
My chart doesn't really show ovulation but I could almost see that it's possible based on how my temps all were pretty steady. All the annovulatory charts I've seen, are pretty rocky up and down.
My lining is thick so a beta was ordered. Might as well throw a chemical pregnancy into the mix. (heavy sarcasm) I'll get the results after 3 pm. If it's positive, it really can't be a good thing because of the amount of bleeding.
I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy. No jumping around or exercising. No sex.
She said any of those things could cause the ovaries to twist on the thin ligaments that hold them floating in my pelvis. So despite my intention of going unmedicated, I really didn't have much of a choice about going on Aygestin. The cysts need to stop growing ASAP. I have a follow up ultrasound in two weeks.
God help me. I just want a baby. Not a fleet of cysts trying to take over my pelvis.
Aygestin (Norethindrone Acetate)
Aygestin is a form of progestin, a synthetic substance that chemically resembles progesterone, that may be prescribed in ovulation induction therapies to inhibit ovulation and quiet the ovaries in advance of egg stimulation using injectable hormones. This "down time" helps the ovaries respond better to treatment. In much the same way that oral contraceptives prevent pregnancy by inhibiting normal ovulation, Aygestin is used in IVF and related procedures to turn off the body's natural ovulatory cycle. Side effects of Aygestin may include: abdominal pain or cramps; diarrhea; fatigue; unusual tiredness; weakness; hot flashes; decreased sex drive; nausea; trouble sleeping; depression, irritability, or other mood changes; swelling in the face, ankles, or feet; weight gain.
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