Tuesday, June 26, 2007

A Pink Daisy and Rollercoasters

My mom sent me flowers. I'm going to dry and press a few of them to keep as remembrance of my baby.

I feel so sad. It's crazy what bothers me.

I can watch Baby Story on TV and be fine.

Then I was reading a magazine and totally lost it when I saw a picture of an 8 year old girl with her mom. :(

What a roller coaster of emotions!

I told my Mom

Chris is the only one that knows but I felt like I wanted to talk to her about it. We had been keeping it a secret. We were planning on announcing the pregnancy after the appointment the following week. At the 10 week appointment we were going to hear the heartbeat on the doppler or ultrasound.

Based on some real good advice, I decided to call my mom and tell her about the miscarriage. She didn't know we were even trying to concieve.

She said all the right things and made me feel better. It helped to share this with someone beside just Christopher. She asked if grandma knew yet. I told her no but that she could talk to grandma about it if she wanted to.

Grandma called. She's so very sweet. She's praying for us. I found out that my Aunt had 3 miscarriages. She has 2 great boys now. I couldn't imagine going through this 3 times. My aunt is even stronger than I ever knew.

Monday, June 25, 2007

My Miscarriage at 9 Weeks

On Saturday I started spotting at 2 am with a bit of brownish red CM. It looked like what you would imagine a MP to look like. Now I've got very light spotting. It hasn't stopped all day. I'm only 8 weeks 5 days. :(

By Sunday afternoon the spotting had gotten a lot worse. I paged my doctor who called me back within 5 minutes. He told me to come into the office Monday at 9 am. He told me not to go to the ER unless the bleeding got out of control like a hemmorage because otherwise I'd have to wait so long and be uncomfortable. If I did decide to go to the ER, I was to call him so he'd meet me there.

Monday at 4:30 am I woke with a sharp pain. Later I was told this sharp pain was probably the placenta detaching. Very strong cramping started soon after. The cramps got very instense and I started passing very large clots. At this point I got into the shower as it helped with the strong cramps. I've heard them referred to as contractions and I guess that's truely what they were. I passed two large pieces of tissue about the size of my palm. The bleeding was insanely heavy to the point it was runnning down my legs. I couldn't get out of the shower if I had wanted to so I just sat on the floor of the tub clutching my stomach.

A friend told me she miscarried in the shower and at the time I thought it strange. But now I completely understand.

It slowed down very quickly after I passed the tissue and big clots. Then it was like a heavy period. I passed everything on my own at home that morning. It took maybe an hour or two at the most for the active miscarriage. It was scary but I knew what what was going on so I dealt with it. Nothing else could be done. Chris didn't even know at the time.

We were at my doctor's office at 9 am when they opened. I told the receptionist that I had spoken to the doctor the day before and he wanted me to come in. She got a sad look on her face. Within 5 minutes I was walking back to an exam room. I told the nurse that I was having a miscarriage. She took me into the ultrasound room. The tech prepped me and tried to comfort me by saying that a little red staining could be okay. I told her it was much worse than that. She took many pictures with the transvaginal ultrasound and then left me to dress.
We went back to the exam room and got undressed again for the doctor to examine me. I was up on the table and Chris was in the chair holding my hand. We had to wait a moment for the nurse to come back into the room so the doctor could start the exam. The doctor and I made eye contact and he had the saddest look on his face. Just looking at the doctor made me feel so bad that they have to deal with so many losses. After the pelvic exam and reviewing the ultrasound, he said it was a complete miscarriage as my cervix was closed already. I had a blood draw for another beta. The doctor said we needed to monitor my betas to make sure it was dropping appropriately. If my levels didn't drop fast enough or if they went back up it was a sign that there was some retained tissue. And then a D&C was a possiblity.

I did not want a D&C for many reasons. I much preferred losing my baby in the privacy of my own home. However if it was a missed miscarriage, I would not want to go weeks waiting for the miscarriage to start. Everyone is different but I was glad at the time that I had a natural miscarriage.

Advil and a heating pad helped the pain and cramping a lot. My doctor said it was ok to double up on the Advil dosage.

I took it very easy the rest of the week. I spent a lot of time with my feet propped up as I read that could help the bleeding stop sooner. By Friday I was feeling better but very weak.

I continued to bleed and then spot in total of 14 days after the miscarriage. I had another wave of spotting about a week after that. During that spotting I passed a small piece of tissue. The nurse told me that eventually I would pass everything or my body would absorb it.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Happy Father's Day

I hated to ignore Father's Day even though I'm only 8 weeks. I wanted to keep it simple so I got him a card. It's theme was partner, lover and friend. Inside I added the words "to be" after the word parents. He's father-to-be!
I made Christopher a fritatta for breakfast. It was the first time making that recipe. He really enjoyed it and liked having the day off. He's usually the one to make the big breakfasts on the weekend.
Happy Father's Day, Christopher.