Sit down for this

I had very heavy period like bleeding for about 36 hours late Thursday and all day Friday. I called it CD 1 and even scheduled my CD 3 baseline ultrasound to check on the cysts.
Then it went to very light spotting and almost stopped on Saturday. I kept feeling so awful and some of the things kept reminding me of my last chemical in August.
I just had a bad feeling for the past couple of days when I started spotting at 5 DPO and then bleeding at 9 DPO that a chemical pregnancy was a possiblity. I even talked myself out of testing on 10 DPO. I wanted to protect myself from the knowledge that I could be having another miscarriage. Finally after the the bleeding slowed down so much on Saturday, I couldn't take it any more. I tested.
It was a pretty faint line on the FRER but definitely pink and with in the time limit.

I admit that I emailed 2 of my close friends that I knew could still be up 11 pm and cussed up a storm about having a chemical pregnancy. They were super supportive as always. Then I phoned the on call doctor who told me I could start the left over progesterone supplements from my Clomid cycles. I go on Monday for a beta.

But in all honesty, it's probably just a chemical pregnancy based on the amount of bleeding I've had.


I'm not one to share "weird feelings" unless I have some proof. At this point, I hope to have some hcg still left in my system for the blood draw on Monday. I know chemical pregnancies happen all the time without evidence other than a positive pee stick at home. But I worry about being taken seriously. ::big eye roll::
I did get a positive on Sunday with a digital pregnancy test so that was reassuring in a small way.

I almost didn't share it with my pregnancy loss prayer group. But then I got an email from another friend in that group and decided that it was a lack of faith NOT to ask for prayers. Miracles do happen after all. I just usually don't expect them for me.

I'm okay with it. Kind of numb I suppose. I've had two miscarriages, I can get through a third. I just want to know for sure that it's a CP and then I can stop the progesterone. Part of me didn't even want to bother with it but there's always a small chance. I didn't think anything good could come of this late ovulation. And things definitely aren't looking good.

There's no way in hell I'm announcing a BFP. I didn't even do that with my second pregnancy and I was only spotting then.

40 days and 40 nights

After 40 days, which included 21 days of progestin hell, 4 transvaginal u/s, 9 cysts, spotting and bleeding every couple of days, and a two vials of blood, it's finally over.
TCOYF Chart

Today is officially CD 1. We can begin a new cycle!


I've been having a great internal debate about what to do this cycle. Do we try on our own with an unmedicated cyle or should I push for Femara?

I'm having all the bad side effects from Clomid. My CM is hostile which forces us to do IUI instead of the much cheaper timed intercourse. I ovulated early the second cycle of Clomid and had a thin uterine lining on CD 11. And I'm experience ovarian disfunction by the way of 9 monster ovarian cysts.

Add those side effects to the fact that we're having trouble taking off so much work for the monitoring and IUI appointments, and I think we have a good case to switch to Femara.
Femara doesn't cause hostile CM or thining of the uterine lining. Hopefully I won't get the cysts either. With Femara, we shouldn't need IUI so that will save us time and money!


Reasons for TTC unmedicated this cycle:

We have a funeral to attend for a cousin that was like a brother to my husband. Chris is understandably off his game from Al's unexpected death. He doesn't need any additional stress right now.

This would give the acupuncture time to work.

I wouldn't have to worry about days off for doctor's appointments.

I could get back my diet in earnest.

Waiting could mean that the next medicated cycle might be when I have a less stressful job that doesn't require travel.


Reasons to TTC with Femara this cycle:

I'm losing approx 10,000 eggs a cycle with an already suspect ovarian reserve.

My EDD for the previous m/c and the chances for a 2008 baby are flying by.

I'm tired of TTC with ill timed procdures and only getting cysts.

Maybe they would let us just have Timed Intercourse instead of IUI.

I wanted a baby 4 years ago. I really, really wanted a baby when we started TTC a year ago. I really, really, really wanted a baby on my EDD of 1/28/08. And I really, really, really, really want a baby NOW! (Yeah, minor tantrum. Sorry)


I think the reasons to wait, out weigh the reasons to push for Femara this cycle. The big reason is Christopher's grieving for his cousin. He doesn't need the extra pressure to perform for the sake of a medicated cycle. This will give us both some breathing room free of tests and procedures.

We'll probably just try on our own this cycle. That's probably best. Right? I'm so torn.

I scheduled the baseline u/s for Monday. Hopefully I don't have any more left over cysts. I'm feeling a little crampy so it's entirely possible that some are still there. We'll have to make the decision to TTC on our own or go on a medicine to suppress my ovary function again. I know which way I'm voting! I'll also pitch my idea of switching to Femara for the next cycle. Wish me luck. :)

I'm so sad.

I just feel so sad and frustrated. It's like we haven't had a real chance to TTC since my second m/c in August.

The first cycle, the IUI was ill timed because of the PCT.

Second cycle I ovulated way early and we only had sex on the day of ovulation.

And then the third cycle, I had the 9 cysts and was on a medicine that was supposed to suppress ovulation and bring on a period. Well my stupid body, decides to disobey doctor's orders and ovulate on CD 30! So now we didn't have well timed intercourse because I was bleeding from the progestin and my egg quality probably sucks from it being so late in my cycle.

I'm not very hopeful that I could be pregnant with the late ovulation and the fact that we only had sex on Monday and Tuesday.

There's always the chance though. And technically my ovaries were suppressed for 21 days. I know the follicle didn't grow until last week because of the two u/s. Stupid body couldn't just sit out the cycle like the doctor wanted, had to bust a move to ovulate.

I just spent way too much time playing with TCOYF and FF. Neither one wants to give me cross hairs no matter what info I took out or put in. I tried taking out the spotting since it was caused by the progestin and it still wasn't happy. I think the long cycle just blows their mind.

TCOYF Chart

Fertility Friend


TCOYF is setting my coverline super high for some reason. I see 3-4 good high temps. I really dislike it right now but I have a feeling it's correct. When I first entered in my info, it forecasted my period to start today. Well, I'm spotting bright red and have achy ovaries. Maybe the progestin withdraw finally kicked in. I don't know what I changed but now it's forecasting my period for Tuesday.

But the more I sit here, the more it feels like I'm having AF cramps.

Please dear God, give me a normal cycle. Without cysts would be a nice bonus.

I'm close to asking about trying Femara instead of Clomid. Wonder if we could do TI instead of IUI because the CM isn't supposed to be affected. That would help with my days off work for monitoring.

Most days I just want to cry. Oh, hell. I might as well cry. Maybe I'll feel better

I'm doing WHAT, now?

I'm so frustrated with my body, with Clomid, the 9 freaking cysts, and with the damn progestin.

I stopped the progestin (oral progesterone) last week. It's similar to taking provera to start your period. I was taking the progestin to suppress my ovary function.

I started heavy bleeding late Friday night. By Saturday it had slowed down to spotting. Today nothing was really going on but I went ahead to my CD 3 u/s. The nurse said that could be "normal" for my period because of the progestin and that I've been spotting all month.

My right ovary is perfect. the two smaller cysts are gone. Great news!

Leftie is still causing problems. I still had the 28 mm cyst and the 14 mm cyst grew to 20 mm. Bad news. Those puppies are supposed to be going away!

They took my blood to see if it was a a functioning cyst. Yep, the dang thing is a follicle. My estrogen was too high for CD 3. Mine came back at 486 and normal for CD 3 is less than 40. The bleeding was probably just withdraw bleeding from the drop in progesterone.

So they think I'm ovulating! Their advice is to have sex every other day.
Yay if it wasn't CD 2freaking8.

Then I'm to come back when my period starts. The nurse didn't even have the tact to say IF my period starts.


I probably missed the ovulation window but I'm going to use an OPK later. I had my normal crampiness and sore breasts starting yesterday and just thought it was AF symptoms. I probably missed the egg already. I didn't catch how thick my lining was this morning on the u/s so who knows if pregnancy is even possible.

Another wasted cycle I have a feeling.

Oh, and for kicks I had an acupuncture session this afternoon and told him it was CD 3. They do different acu points at various times in my cycle. So who knows WTF that did.

Blindsided tackled at the super bowl party

I got blindsided at the super bowl party.

BIL's neighbor invited her adult son over to the party. They thought it would just be the husband that came because it was supposed to be an adult only party. Instead it was the whole family.

They had a 5 year old and a little baby. I wasn't prepared for that. I let myself get a little sad after dinner thinking about my EDD for my first miscarriage last week and what we didn't have. My frustrations of TTC are stacking up after two failed Clomid cycles and the 9 cysts. I started crying during the game but I pulled it together pretty quickly. No one noticed.

SIL wanted us to sit on the barstools which was right on top of the baby. She kept crying and jabbering. I had enough by the half time show. I think that's the first time I let myself get that sad in the presence of a baby.

I left without saying good bye to everyone. I just wanted to go home, eat some chocolate and sleep! My SIL was giving her kids a shower so she didn't know I left until later. Oh well.

Chris was completely understanding and supportive about the whole thing. He caught a ride home with his cousin at the end of the game so it was no big deal.

Self preservation is necessary at times but it's still a sucky thing to do.

This isn't working

The two Clomid cycles have been a waste.

The first cycle the IUI was 48 hours post trigger because we did a Post Coital Test at 24 hours. Awful timing. A single IUI should be at 36 hours post trigger shot. So not much chance of that one working from the get go after the failed PCT.

The second Clomid cycle it looks like I ovulated on CD 10 based on when my period started. I didn't start using OPK that cycle until after my u/s on CD 11. My nurse had assured me that it wasn't neccessary. Of course I kicked myself for not starting it sooner. We didn't even have sex until CD 10 that cycle. My lining was thin on CD 11 so there probably wasn't a chance even if we'd had timed intercourse before. Then I ended up with 9 cysts on my ovaries which required us to take a break cycle. After enduring the progestin hell, I'm taking stock of our situation.

So, the two medicated cycles have been a big bust. That's three wasted cycles.

We TTC on our own, for three unmedicated cycles and got pregnant twice. And miscarried twice of course.

So the score is:

Medicated cycles: 0-3
Unmedicated cycles: 2-3

Hmmm? Yeah. It's like that.


We both work for the same company and I feel like we've burned up some of their good graces by all the days we've already asked off for testing and procedures. We travel for work and a doctor appointment requires a complete day off.


There's been 5 firings in the past two days so I'm afraid to push our luck and jeopardize our jobs right now by asking for 2-3 days off for monitoring and IUI. Since they want to start doing follicle checks on CD 8 because of my early ovulation on Clomid, it might take two appointments before I could trigger. Then a third day would be required for the IUI. It's just getting too stressful right now.


I'm leaning towards taking a cycle or two off to TTC on our own without Clomid or IUI. There's no medical reason that we can't. It's only my age and thus questionable eggs that are bad quality which could be the reason for the miscarriages. But my hormones and his sperm are all normal.

TTC on our own with just the CBEFM and some Presed will reduce the stress level by 90%. It will also give me time to allow the accupunture to work. I have my first appointment on Monday!

Then we can do another cycle or two of Clomid/IUI before starting injectibles. That would be around May. We plan to stop traveling in May. I may have a different job by then.

Before we do injects, I would need to be home any way because the monitoring is a lot more often. I think you almost have to go every other day as they change your injectible dosage.

So we're going back to basics. I would be thrilled to death if I got pregnant again with a sticky baby. Of course the second I get pregnant again, I'll be scared to death. But I'd rather be pregnant and scared than unpregnant without hope.

I have a baseline u/s on Monday. I'm going to spring our plan on my nurse and see what she has to say.

And the cyst saga continues...

I had my third u/s this morning for the cysts that are preventing us from TTC.

I still have 4 cysts ranging from 11 to 28 mm. It's actually a big improvement considering I started with 9 monsters. The only one that is really holding me back right now is a 28 mm. I can finally stop taking the oral progestin that has just made the last three weeks miserable.


My physical activity restrictions are lifted also. My husband still probably won't let me do any crazy lifting or work. He acts like my insides will bust out if I'm not careful.

It's funny how you always want what you can't have. Most of the time I'm rather blah about having sex unless it's sex week and we're trying to make a baby! But this past weekend I wanted to get it on so bad but I was still on restricted activity. Chris the ever safe one didn't want to break the rules. Maybe I should have gotten him drunk...

I'm going AMA (Against Medical Advice instead of the normal Advanced Maternal Age) and taking one more progestin pill and then waiting my period to show. The nurse said it should start in a few days from the drop in progesterone. We'll see how my timing works out. Hopefully my period will start between Thursday-Sunday so I don't have to miss a complete day of work for the baseline u/s. Traveling for work and under going fertility treatments is so stressful.

After my period, I'll go in for another baseline u/s (they let me come in CD 2-5) and then hopefully back on Clomid.
The nurse and doctor sounded a lot more positive that I would be taking Clomid this cycle than what I would have thought! So I hope they are right. They may be a little more lenient than what I've read. Some doctors have a cut off of 10 mm for cysts to start a medicated cycle. I had an 11 the second Clomid cycle that they approved any way.


I'm not doing too bad today. It's the EDD from my first pregnancy. I think the days leading up to today were worse than the actual day. Hopefully the free diapers and formula boxes will stop showing up in the mail soon.

Now I need AF dust. Specifically CD 1 Thursday to Sunday AF dust. :)



And here's a listing for those interested in the numbers.

Ultrasound on 1/28:

Left Ovary:

28 mm
14 mm
11 mm


Right Ovary:

14 mm


Ultrasound on 1/21:

Left Ovary:
35 mm
25 mm
23 mm
20 mm


Right Ovary:
28 mm
20 mm




Ultrasound on 1/7:

Left Ovary:

46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm


Right Ovary:

38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm

They are down but not completely out

I had my two week follow up ultrasound appointment today.

On 1/7, I had 9 cysts ranging in size from 21 to 46 mm.

Today I had only 6 cysts ranging in size from 20 to 35 mm.

I didn't expect them to be completely gone since I was still feeling cysty. It's good to see that 3 got their walking papers and the other 6 are reducing in size.

My nurse gave me another two week prescription of the oral progestin (chemical progesterone). My next ultrasound is only a week away on 1/28. I doubt if the cysts will be completely gone by then. So I do expect to continue the progestin for the second week.

That would be a grand total of 4 weeks on this energy sapping prescription. That's the worse side effect so I really can't complain too much. I've been getting extremely tired and sleeping close to 12 hours isn't unheard of. Another way infertilty steals and consumes your life I guess. There's worse things than requiring a lot of sleep so I'll try not to complain. I just don't think my husband understands it though. He tries.

I'm still on restricted physical activity (no exercise, heavy lifting, or sex) because of the size and weight of my ovaries. The right one isn't too bad at all but lefty is still on the FAT side!

Overall I'm okay with everything. I expected it to take one to two cycles for the cysts to go away. I've made some progress so that's all I'm going to focus on. I'm trying not to think about how soon we'll be able to TTC or what EDD for 2008 are slipping by.

Speaking of EDD... 01/28/08 was the EDD of my first pregnancy. Most of the time the fact that it's approaching doesn't bother me. I've gotten all the newborn diapers and formula in the mail that I can handle though. ;)

I'll probably schedule a private cry on 1/28.


I find keeping track of my follicle sizes and cysts gives me something concrete to hold on to. If the nurse had only told me they were smaller, I would forever keep wondering how much smaller? Are they a lot smaller or just a little smaller?

Here's a listing for those interested in the numbers.

Ultrasound on 1/21:

Left Ovary:
35 mm
25 mm
23 mm
20 mm


Right Ovary:
28 mm
20 mm




Ultrasound on 1/7:

Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm


Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm

Update to previous blog post

Beta is negative.

I'm starting the Progestin now. I take 10 mg every night for 14 days. Then I'll have my follow up ultrasound.

Please pray and send cyst bye-bye vibes. Thanks!

A freaking minefield

I have a freaking minefield in my ovaries.

This cycle has been f*'d up to say the least. And now it continues. So far I don't like my experience with medicated cycles.

Here's a brief recap: After RPL testing showed no problems except for my Advanced Maternal Age, my new RE put me on Clomid to produce more follicles and maybe even a better quality egg. The first cycle I responded beautifully, 4 potential eggs. Due to hostile CM from the Clomid, we had to switch from timed intercourse to IUI. The sperm count post wash was only 4 million. We attributed this to having sex only 24 hours before and the high fever my husband had a few days prior. Because of the sudden switch, the IUI was 48 hours post trigger which was really awful timing. No surprise, first medicated cycle BFN.

The second cycle during my baseline ultrasound, I had a small 11 mm cyst on my left ovary. My nurse okayed my to start Clomid. At my ultrasound on CD 11, I had a 35 mm cyst on old leftie. The rest of the medicated cycle was canceled, no trigger and no IUI because of the risk of ovary torsion. We were given the okay to try on our own. And so we did. I dutifully POAS trying to detect my LH surge. I saw lots of lines but the digital OPK never read positive. My chart was very inconclusive since the Clomid jacked my temps up.


Fast forward to yesterday. I started bleeding. It was light at first but got heavier to the point that I considered calling it CD 1. This was only 23 days from my last period. I'm normally a 28 day girl. But considering that this was a possible annovulatory cycle, I really wasn't expecting my period any time soon. My ovaries started getting even more painful and I went to bed early.

When I awoke this morning, I knew that my period had definitely started. We are going out of town tonight so I really needed to get into my clinic today for the baseline ultrasound. I might have stretched it a little by saying yesterday's flow was CD 1 but I hated to miss a full day's work to make it to an ultrasound later in the week. I felt pretty crappy and figured I still had a cyst or two. I knew Clomid was out this cycle. Instead of going on BCP, I planned on TTC a couple of cycles unmedicated to allow us a chance at getting pregnant and time for the cysts to go down.

I was prepared for a cyst or two and no Clomid this cycle. That was pretty much a given. Well, that one freaking cyst from CD 11 has grown and invited friends to move into the neighborhood.


I was not prepared for a freaking minefield and very serious warnings about the danger to my fertility.

Simply put, I have 9 cysts ranging from 21 mm to 46 mm. My ovaries are extremely heavy and there is a serious risk of ovarian torsion where the blood supply could get cut off to the ovaries. The ovary would then die without emergency surgery.

Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm


Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm

My nurse thinks that since my period started early, I ovulated early. Maybe around CD 10 or 11. She said it would be very unusual for me to not ovulate on 100 mg of Clomid since I ovulate on my own.

My chart doesn't really show ovulation but I could almost see that it's possible based on how my temps all were pretty steady. All the annovulatory charts I've seen, are pretty rocky up and down.

My lining is thick so a beta was ordered. Might as well throw a chemical pregnancy into the mix. (heavy sarcasm) I'll get the results after 3 pm. If it's positive, it really can't be a good thing because of the amount of bleeding.

I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy. No jumping around or exercising. No sex.
She said any of those things could cause the ovaries to twist on the thin ligaments that hold them floating in my pelvis. So despite my intention of going unmedicated, I really didn't have much of a choice about going on Aygestin. The cysts need to stop growing ASAP. I have a follow up ultrasound in two weeks.

God help me. I just want a baby. Not a fleet of cysts trying to take over my pelvis.

Aygestin (Norethindrone Acetate)
Aygestin is a form of progestin, a synthetic substance that chemically resembles progesterone, that may be prescribed in ovulation induction therapies to inhibit ovulation and quiet the ovaries in advance of egg stimulation using injectable hormones. This "down time" helps the ovaries respond better to treatment. In much the same way that oral contraceptives prevent pregnancy by inhibiting normal ovulation, Aygestin is used in IVF and related procedures to turn off the body's natural ovulatory cycle. Side effects of Aygestin may include: abdominal pain or cramps; diarrhea; fatigue; unusual tiredness; weakness; hot flashes; decreased sex drive; nausea; trouble sleeping; depression, irritability, or other mood changes; swelling in the face, ankles, or feet; weight gain.

I have an expensive habit.

I'm addicted.

I'm a junkie.

Pee sticks.

They haunt me.

I'm missing my ovulation.

I need my fix!


I'm on CD 19 and still no positive or peak. I'm really frustrated with this Clomid cycle and resulting cyst. I think my ovaries are ticked off and maybe on strike.

I'm testing about 3 times a day. With multiple OPK.

Clomid can interfere with the CBEFM. Sometimes you won't get a peak on the monitor because Clomid causes higher estrogen levels as it fakes out your FSH to keep producing. So I don't trust my monitor.

That means I'm using additional OPK to check. And boy am I checking!

I'm using the Answer test strips. ($19 for 20 tests) When those look positive, then I'm checking with the CBE digital. ($39 for 7) Um, I'm on the second box of the digis.
The trouble is the Answer brand have been looking pretty damn positive since Friday. But when I check with the digital, no go. Empty circle. No smiley face.

I have a pee stick collection. They are labeled by date so I can be even more neurotic. Yesterday, the line on the digital looked darker than it has all week.
I'm almost hopeful but it's getting so late in my cycle.

Pee Stick Collection

I actually threw some away earlier in the week. And after I admitted my problem here, I forced myself to throw some more away. It's really gross but I am compelled to compare the darkness of the lines.

I even called CBE to inquire about the lines on the digital OPK. The line closest to the pee end is the LH line. The other line is just a control line.

On the CBEFM, the line closest to the pee end is again the LH line. The other line is the estrogen.

I am seeing a darker line on the CBE Digital so hopefully that is a good sign. I have some secondary fertility signs too. Come on, ovaries!

"My Works" for my addiction

Do I chance ovulation after CD 20? My follicles are probably all over mature by now. My egg quality probably sucks.

Damn cyst. We're probably going to continue to TTC this cycle. Another miscarriage would be awful but wasting another cycle almost seems harder. Especially with BCP therapy lurking in the future if the cyst isn't gone.