My first pregnancy lasted 9 weeks. My second, only 4.5 weeks. I definitely feel more connection to the first pregnancy. I had pregnancy innocence then. Things were uncertain then but I had a lot of hope inspired in part by the fact that I got pregnant on our second month of TTC. I had hope that we wouldn't need the money that we had set aside for fertility treatments after all. I had hope that at the beginning of 2008, we'd have our own little baby and be a family.
By the time I got pregnant the second time, I was already a little hardened. The second miscarriage definitely hit me harder than the first. All of a sudden I was in *THAT* category. Those that have multiple miscarriages with no living children. There were a few days in the beginning that I was understandably completely devastated- think big black hole, didn't want to TTC any more. I tried to imagine what living childless would be like. I couldn't imagine that for very long. I really want to have a family, either a biological child or a child adopted into our hearts. So soon those awful feelings passed and then I just wanted answers from the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss testing. I felt ready to go on rather quickly. It's not that I didn't mourn the second loss but I was already in a grieving state from the first. The second miscarriage just seemed like a continuation of the first one.
Sometimes the pain sneaks back up unexpectedly. This pain has a name...Grief. Grief isn't just limited to those of us that have lost a baby. Some women grieve every month when their period arrives. Those that are TTC with infertility know the pain of loss too.
I think about getting pregnant and having a baby every day. It's woven into my being right now. I can't escape it. And truly I don't want to. I think it consumes me in a positive way. It motivates me to continue on. I still have hope that this is possible!
I certainly don't feel positive 100% of the time. I cry over what we don't have. I cry over the could have beens and the should have beens.
Grief is funny. It doesn't make sense and it really doesn't have to. Whatever you feel, is what you feel. Our feelings are valid!
I don't wallow in my grief. I don't wrap myself in sadness. I can see babies without a dagger going through my heart. It may make me a little wistful but it doesn't knock me to the floor.
My husband has been so strong through this. I know part of it is the typical male response. I learned to lean not only on my husband but also more on God.
Grief is like a wave in the ocean...it can reach out and swallow you and then spit you out on the other side. It can be small calm predictable waves and then all of a sudden a monster wave comes out of no where.
I had parts of this blog post written when my friend, Darreth, shared how she was feeling after a recent pregnancy scare. She said that she felt as if she was out of control and being hit by waves. She quoted a devotion that said, "I can face the waves because I trust the one that made the ocean."
Psalm 93:3-4 Free use by permission from http://www.heartlight.org/
I trust the One that made the ocean. Please, dear God, keep me upright in these rough seas.