After 40 days, which included 21 days of progestin hell, 4 transvaginal u/s, 9 cysts, spotting and bleeding every couple of days, and a two vials of blood, it's finally over.
TCOYF Chart
Today is officially CD 1. We can begin a new cycle!
I've been having a great internal debate about what to do this cycle. Do we try on our own with an unmedicated cyle or should I push for Femara?
I'm having all the bad side effects from Clomid. My CM is hostile which forces us to do IUI instead of the much cheaper timed intercourse. I ovulated early the second cycle of Clomid and had a thin uterine lining on CD 11. And I'm experience ovarian disfunction by the way of 9 monster ovarian cysts.
Add those side effects to the fact that we're having trouble taking off so much work for the monitoring and IUI appointments, and I think we have a good case to switch to Femara.
Femara doesn't cause hostile CM or thining of the uterine lining. Hopefully I won't get the cysts either. With Femara, we shouldn't need IUI so that will save us time and money!
Reasons for TTC unmedicated this cycle:
We have a funeral to attend for a cousin that was like a brother to my husband. Chris is understandably off his game from Al's unexpected death. He doesn't need any additional stress right now.
This would give the acupuncture time to work.
I wouldn't have to worry about days off for doctor's appointments.
I could get back my diet in earnest.
Waiting could mean that the next medicated cycle might be when I have a less stressful job that doesn't require travel.
Reasons to TTC with Femara this cycle:
I'm losing approx 10,000 eggs a cycle with an already suspect ovarian reserve.
My EDD for the previous m/c and the chances for a 2008 baby are flying by.
I'm tired of TTC with ill timed procdures and only getting cysts.
Maybe they would let us just have Timed Intercourse instead of IUI.
I wanted a baby 4 years ago. I really, really wanted a baby when we started TTC a year ago. I really, really, really wanted a baby on my EDD of 1/28/08. And I really, really, really, really want a baby NOW! (Yeah, minor tantrum. Sorry)
I think the reasons to wait, out weigh the reasons to push for Femara this cycle. The big reason is Christopher's grieving for his cousin. He doesn't need the extra pressure to perform for the sake of a medicated cycle. This will give us both some breathing room free of tests and procedures.
We'll probably just try on our own this cycle. That's probably best. Right? I'm so torn.
I scheduled the baseline u/s for Monday. Hopefully I don't have any more left over cysts. I'm feeling a little crampy so it's entirely possible that some are still there. We'll have to make the decision to TTC on our own or go on a medicine to suppress my ovary function again. I know which way I'm voting! I'll also pitch my idea of switching to Femara for the next cycle. Wish me luck. :)
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Friday, February 15, 2008
I call it love.
QOTD: What is the craziest thing you've ever done for love?
That was the check in today on the message board. I know she was looking for silly romantic answers but it really hit me in another way.
The craziest thing I've done for love is not a silly thing.
Some may consider it crazy. I even consider it a little crazy but the only reason I've done it is solely for love.
The craziest thing (as in puting myself out on the line to be hurt) has to be the last 8 months total. That's the time since my first miscarriage. Since then I've had a second miscarriage. I've had countless medical exams and procedures. I've have vials upon vials of blood drawn. I've been embarassed and cried at the drop of a hat. I risk another miscarriage every month we try to make a baby. I risk more heartache. I've gotten hurt over and over, yet I keep exposing myself for more pain and rejection.
Doesn't it sound crazy?
People may say: Why don't you adopt? Or you're old, so maybe you should live childless. Isn't it time to give up?
No. Not yet. We're not done. We're not ready to move on.
I do this because I love my husband. I do this because I love our future child. I do this because I want to share our love in our own little family.
So call it crazy. I call it love.
That was the check in today on the message board. I know she was looking for silly romantic answers but it really hit me in another way.
The craziest thing I've done for love is not a silly thing.
Some may consider it crazy. I even consider it a little crazy but the only reason I've done it is solely for love.
The craziest thing (as in puting myself out on the line to be hurt) has to be the last 8 months total. That's the time since my first miscarriage. Since then I've had a second miscarriage. I've had countless medical exams and procedures. I've have vials upon vials of blood drawn. I've been embarassed and cried at the drop of a hat. I risk another miscarriage every month we try to make a baby. I risk more heartache. I've gotten hurt over and over, yet I keep exposing myself for more pain and rejection.
Doesn't it sound crazy?
People may say: Why don't you adopt? Or you're old, so maybe you should live childless. Isn't it time to give up?
No. Not yet. We're not done. We're not ready to move on.
I do this because I love my husband. I do this because I love our future child. I do this because I want to share our love in our own little family.
So call it crazy. I call it love.
Friday, February 8, 2008
I'm so sad.
I just feel so sad and frustrated. It's like we haven't had a real chance to TTC since my second m/c in August.
The first cycle, the IUI was ill timed because of the PCT.
Second cycle I ovulated way early and we only had sex on the day of ovulation.
And then the third cycle, I had the 9 cysts and was on a medicine that was supposed to suppress ovulation and bring on a period. Well my stupid body, decides to disobey doctor's orders and ovulate on CD 30! So now we didn't have well timed intercourse because I was bleeding from the progestin and my egg quality probably sucks from it being so late in my cycle.
I'm not very hopeful that I could be pregnant with the late ovulation and the fact that we only had sex on Monday and Tuesday.
There's always the chance though. And technically my ovaries were suppressed for 21 days. I know the follicle didn't grow until last week because of the two u/s. Stupid body couldn't just sit out the cycle like the doctor wanted, had to bust a move to ovulate.
I just spent way too much time playing with TCOYF and FF. Neither one wants to give me cross hairs no matter what info I took out or put in. I tried taking out the spotting since it was caused by the progestin and it still wasn't happy. I think the long cycle just blows their mind.
TCOYF Chart
Fertility Friend
TCOYF is setting my coverline super high for some reason. I see 3-4 good high temps. I really dislike it right now but I have a feeling it's correct. When I first entered in my info, it forecasted my period to start today. Well, I'm spotting bright red and have achy ovaries. Maybe the progestin withdraw finally kicked in. I don't know what I changed but now it's forecasting my period for Tuesday.
But the more I sit here, the more it feels like I'm having AF cramps.
Please dear God, give me a normal cycle. Without cysts would be a nice bonus.
I'm close to asking about trying Femara instead of Clomid. Wonder if we could do TI instead of IUI because the CM isn't supposed to be affected. That would help with my days off work for monitoring.
Most days I just want to cry. Oh, hell. I might as well cry. Maybe I'll feel better
Monday, February 4, 2008
I'm doing WHAT, now?
I'm so frustrated with my body, with Clomid, the 9 freaking cysts, and with the damn progestin.
I stopped the progestin (oral progesterone) last week. It's similar to taking provera to start your period. I was taking the progestin to suppress my ovary function.
I started heavy bleeding late Friday night. By Saturday it had slowed down to spotting. Today nothing was really going on but I went ahead to my CD 3 u/s. The nurse said that could be "normal" for my period because of the progestin and that I've been spotting all month.
My right ovary is perfect. the two smaller cysts are gone. Great news!
Leftie is still causing problems. I still had the 28 mm cyst and the 14 mm cyst grew to 20 mm. Bad news. Those puppies are supposed to be going away!
They took my blood to see if it was a a functioning cyst. Yep, the dang thing is a follicle. My estrogen was too high for CD 3. Mine came back at 486 and normal for CD 3 is less than 40. The bleeding was probably just withdraw bleeding from the drop in progesterone.
So they think I'm ovulating! Their advice is to have sex every other day.
Yay if it wasn't CD 2freaking8.
Then I'm to come back when my period starts. The nurse didn't even have the tact to say IF my period starts.
I probably missed the ovulation window but I'm going to use an OPK later. I had my normal crampiness and sore breasts starting yesterday and just thought it was AF symptoms. I probably missed the egg already. I didn't catch how thick my lining was this morning on the u/s so who knows if pregnancy is even possible.
Another wasted cycle I have a feeling.
Oh, and for kicks I had an acupuncture session this afternoon and told him it was CD 3. They do different acu points at various times in my cycle. So who knows WTF that did.
I stopped the progestin (oral progesterone) last week. It's similar to taking provera to start your period. I was taking the progestin to suppress my ovary function.
I started heavy bleeding late Friday night. By Saturday it had slowed down to spotting. Today nothing was really going on but I went ahead to my CD 3 u/s. The nurse said that could be "normal" for my period because of the progestin and that I've been spotting all month.
My right ovary is perfect. the two smaller cysts are gone. Great news!
Leftie is still causing problems. I still had the 28 mm cyst and the 14 mm cyst grew to 20 mm. Bad news. Those puppies are supposed to be going away!
They took my blood to see if it was a a functioning cyst. Yep, the dang thing is a follicle. My estrogen was too high for CD 3. Mine came back at 486 and normal for CD 3 is less than 40. The bleeding was probably just withdraw bleeding from the drop in progesterone.
So they think I'm ovulating! Their advice is to have sex every other day.
Yay if it wasn't CD 2freaking8.
Then I'm to come back when my period starts. The nurse didn't even have the tact to say IF my period starts.
I probably missed the ovulation window but I'm going to use an OPK later. I had my normal crampiness and sore breasts starting yesterday and just thought it was AF symptoms. I probably missed the egg already. I didn't catch how thick my lining was this morning on the u/s so who knows if pregnancy is even possible.
Another wasted cycle I have a feeling.
Oh, and for kicks I had an acupuncture session this afternoon and told him it was CD 3. They do different acu points at various times in my cycle. So who knows WTF that did.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Blindsided tackled at the super bowl party
I got blindsided at the super bowl party.
BIL's neighbor invited her adult son over to the party. They thought it would just be the husband that came because it was supposed to be an adult only party. Instead it was the whole family.
They had a 5 year old and a little baby. I wasn't prepared for that. I let myself get a little sad after dinner thinking about my EDD for my first miscarriage last week and what we didn't have. My frustrations of TTC are stacking up after two failed Clomid cycles and the 9 cysts. I started crying during the game but I pulled it together pretty quickly. No one noticed.
SIL wanted us to sit on the barstools which was right on top of the baby. She kept crying and jabbering. I had enough by the half time show. I think that's the first time I let myself get that sad in the presence of a baby.
I left without saying good bye to everyone. I just wanted to go home, eat some chocolate and sleep! My SIL was giving her kids a shower so she didn't know I left until later. Oh well.
Chris was completely understanding and supportive about the whole thing. He caught a ride home with his cousin at the end of the game so it was no big deal.
Self preservation is necessary at times but it's still a sucky thing to do.
BIL's neighbor invited her adult son over to the party. They thought it would just be the husband that came because it was supposed to be an adult only party. Instead it was the whole family.
They had a 5 year old and a little baby. I wasn't prepared for that. I let myself get a little sad after dinner thinking about my EDD for my first miscarriage last week and what we didn't have. My frustrations of TTC are stacking up after two failed Clomid cycles and the 9 cysts. I started crying during the game but I pulled it together pretty quickly. No one noticed.
SIL wanted us to sit on the barstools which was right on top of the baby. She kept crying and jabbering. I had enough by the half time show. I think that's the first time I let myself get that sad in the presence of a baby.
I left without saying good bye to everyone. I just wanted to go home, eat some chocolate and sleep! My SIL was giving her kids a shower so she didn't know I left until later. Oh well.
Chris was completely understanding and supportive about the whole thing. He caught a ride home with his cousin at the end of the game so it was no big deal.
Self preservation is necessary at times but it's still a sucky thing to do.
Friday, February 1, 2008
This isn't working
The two Clomid cycles have been a waste.
The first cycle the IUI was 48 hours post trigger because we did a Post Coital Test at 24 hours. Awful timing. A single IUI should be at 36 hours post trigger shot. So not much chance of that one working from the get go after the failed PCT.
The second Clomid cycle it looks like I ovulated on CD 10 based on when my period started. I didn't start using OPK that cycle until after my u/s on CD 11. My nurse had assured me that it wasn't neccessary. Of course I kicked myself for not starting it sooner. We didn't even have sex until CD 10 that cycle. My lining was thin on CD 11 so there probably wasn't a chance even if we'd had timed intercourse before. Then I ended up with 9 cysts on my ovaries which required us to take a break cycle. After enduring the progestin hell, I'm taking stock of our situation.
So, the two medicated cycles have been a big bust. That's three wasted cycles.
We TTC on our own, for three unmedicated cycles and got pregnant twice. And miscarried twice of course.
So the score is:
Medicated cycles: 0-3
Unmedicated cycles: 2-3
Hmmm? Yeah. It's like that.
We both work for the same company and I feel like we've burned up some of their good graces by all the days we've already asked off for testing and procedures. We travel for work and a doctor appointment requires a complete day off.
There's been 5 firings in the past two days so I'm afraid to push our luck and jeopardize our jobs right now by asking for 2-3 days off for monitoring and IUI. Since they want to start doing follicle checks on CD 8 because of my early ovulation on Clomid, it might take two appointments before I could trigger. Then a third day would be required for the IUI. It's just getting too stressful right now.
I'm leaning towards taking a cycle or two off to TTC on our own without Clomid or IUI. There's no medical reason that we can't. It's only my age and thus questionable eggs that are bad quality which could be the reason for the miscarriages. But my hormones and his sperm are all normal.
TTC on our own with just the CBEFM and some Presed will reduce the stress level by 90%. It will also give me time to allow the accupunture to work. I have my first appointment on Monday!
Then we can do another cycle or two of Clomid/IUI before starting injectibles. That would be around May. We plan to stop traveling in May. I may have a different job by then.
Before we do injects, I would need to be home any way because the monitoring is a lot more often. I think you almost have to go every other day as they change your injectible dosage.
So we're going back to basics. I would be thrilled to death if I got pregnant again with a sticky baby. Of course the second I get pregnant again, I'll be scared to death. But I'd rather be pregnant and scared than unpregnant without hope.
I have a baseline u/s on Monday. I'm going to spring our plan on my nurse and see what she has to say.
The first cycle the IUI was 48 hours post trigger because we did a Post Coital Test at 24 hours. Awful timing. A single IUI should be at 36 hours post trigger shot. So not much chance of that one working from the get go after the failed PCT.
The second Clomid cycle it looks like I ovulated on CD 10 based on when my period started. I didn't start using OPK that cycle until after my u/s on CD 11. My nurse had assured me that it wasn't neccessary. Of course I kicked myself for not starting it sooner. We didn't even have sex until CD 10 that cycle. My lining was thin on CD 11 so there probably wasn't a chance even if we'd had timed intercourse before. Then I ended up with 9 cysts on my ovaries which required us to take a break cycle. After enduring the progestin hell, I'm taking stock of our situation.
So, the two medicated cycles have been a big bust. That's three wasted cycles.
We TTC on our own, for three unmedicated cycles and got pregnant twice. And miscarried twice of course.
So the score is:
Medicated cycles: 0-3
Unmedicated cycles: 2-3
Hmmm? Yeah. It's like that.
We both work for the same company and I feel like we've burned up some of their good graces by all the days we've already asked off for testing and procedures. We travel for work and a doctor appointment requires a complete day off.
There's been 5 firings in the past two days so I'm afraid to push our luck and jeopardize our jobs right now by asking for 2-3 days off for monitoring and IUI. Since they want to start doing follicle checks on CD 8 because of my early ovulation on Clomid, it might take two appointments before I could trigger. Then a third day would be required for the IUI. It's just getting too stressful right now.
I'm leaning towards taking a cycle or two off to TTC on our own without Clomid or IUI. There's no medical reason that we can't. It's only my age and thus questionable eggs that are bad quality which could be the reason for the miscarriages. But my hormones and his sperm are all normal.
TTC on our own with just the CBEFM and some Presed will reduce the stress level by 90%. It will also give me time to allow the accupunture to work. I have my first appointment on Monday!
Then we can do another cycle or two of Clomid/IUI before starting injectibles. That would be around May. We plan to stop traveling in May. I may have a different job by then.
Before we do injects, I would need to be home any way because the monitoring is a lot more often. I think you almost have to go every other day as they change your injectible dosage.
So we're going back to basics. I would be thrilled to death if I got pregnant again with a sticky baby. Of course the second I get pregnant again, I'll be scared to death. But I'd rather be pregnant and scared than unpregnant without hope.
I have a baseline u/s on Monday. I'm going to spring our plan on my nurse and see what she has to say.
Monday, January 28, 2008
And the cyst saga continues...
I had my third u/s this morning for the cysts that are preventing us from TTC.
I still have 4 cysts ranging from 11 to 28 mm. It's actually a big improvement considering I started with 9 monsters. The only one that is really holding me back right now is a 28 mm. I can finally stop taking the oral progestin that has just made the last three weeks miserable.
My physical activity restrictions are lifted also. My husband still probably won't let me do any crazy lifting or work. He acts like my insides will bust out if I'm not careful.
It's funny how you always want what you can't have. Most of the time I'm rather blah about having sex unless it's sex week and we're trying to make a baby! But this past weekend I wanted to get it on so bad but I was still on restricted activity. Chris the ever safe one didn't want to break the rules. Maybe I should have gotten him drunk...
I'm going AMA (Against Medical Advice instead of the normal Advanced Maternal Age) and taking one more progestin pill and then waiting my period to show. The nurse said it should start in a few days from the drop in progesterone. We'll see how my timing works out. Hopefully my period will start between Thursday-Sunday so I don't have to miss a complete day of work for the baseline u/s. Traveling for work and under going fertility treatments is so stressful.
After my period, I'll go in for another baseline u/s (they let me come in CD 2-5) and then hopefully back on Clomid.
The nurse and doctor sounded a lot more positive that I would be taking Clomid this cycle than what I would have thought! So I hope they are right. They may be a little more lenient than what I've read. Some doctors have a cut off of 10 mm for cysts to start a medicated cycle. I had an 11 the second Clomid cycle that they approved any way.
I'm not doing too bad today. It's the EDD from my first pregnancy. I think the days leading up to today were worse than the actual day. Hopefully the free diapers and formula boxes will stop showing up in the mail soon.
Now I need AF dust. Specifically CD 1 Thursday to Sunday AF dust. :)
And here's a listing for those interested in the numbers.
Ultrasound on 1/28:
Left Ovary:
28 mm
14 mm
11 mm
Right Ovary:
14 mm
Ultrasound on 1/21:
Left Ovary:
35 mm
25 mm
23 mm
20 mm
Right Ovary:
28 mm
20 mm
Ultrasound on 1/7:
Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm
Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm
I still have 4 cysts ranging from 11 to 28 mm. It's actually a big improvement considering I started with 9 monsters. The only one that is really holding me back right now is a 28 mm. I can finally stop taking the oral progestin that has just made the last three weeks miserable.
My physical activity restrictions are lifted also. My husband still probably won't let me do any crazy lifting or work. He acts like my insides will bust out if I'm not careful.
It's funny how you always want what you can't have. Most of the time I'm rather blah about having sex unless it's sex week and we're trying to make a baby! But this past weekend I wanted to get it on so bad but I was still on restricted activity. Chris the ever safe one didn't want to break the rules. Maybe I should have gotten him drunk...
I'm going AMA (Against Medical Advice instead of the normal Advanced Maternal Age) and taking one more progestin pill and then waiting my period to show. The nurse said it should start in a few days from the drop in progesterone. We'll see how my timing works out. Hopefully my period will start between Thursday-Sunday so I don't have to miss a complete day of work for the baseline u/s. Traveling for work and under going fertility treatments is so stressful.
After my period, I'll go in for another baseline u/s (they let me come in CD 2-5) and then hopefully back on Clomid.
The nurse and doctor sounded a lot more positive that I would be taking Clomid this cycle than what I would have thought! So I hope they are right. They may be a little more lenient than what I've read. Some doctors have a cut off of 10 mm for cysts to start a medicated cycle. I had an 11 the second Clomid cycle that they approved any way.
I'm not doing too bad today. It's the EDD from my first pregnancy. I think the days leading up to today were worse than the actual day. Hopefully the free diapers and formula boxes will stop showing up in the mail soon.
Now I need AF dust. Specifically CD 1 Thursday to Sunday AF dust. :)
And here's a listing for those interested in the numbers.
Ultrasound on 1/28:
Left Ovary:
28 mm
14 mm
11 mm
Right Ovary:
14 mm
Ultrasound on 1/21:
Left Ovary:
35 mm
25 mm
23 mm
20 mm
Right Ovary:
28 mm
20 mm
Ultrasound on 1/7:
Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm
Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Grief is like a wave
The EDD of my first pregnancy is tomorrow. Another miscarriage milestone I guess. Just like everyone else, I hoped to pregnant again by today. Well, I was pregnant again for almost a week in August, but that pregnancy didn't work out either.
My first pregnancy lasted 9 weeks. My second, only 4.5 weeks. I definitely feel more connection to the first pregnancy. I had pregnancy innocence then. Things were uncertain then but I had a lot of hope inspired in part by the fact that I got pregnant on our second month of TTC. I had hope that we wouldn't need the money that we had set aside for fertility treatments after all. I had hope that at the beginning of 2008, we'd have our own little baby and be a family.
By the time I got pregnant the second time, I was already a little hardened. The second miscarriage definitely hit me harder than the first. All of a sudden I was in *THAT* category. Those that have multiple miscarriages with no living children. There were a few days in the beginning that I was understandably completely devastated- think big black hole, didn't want to TTC any more. I tried to imagine what living childless would be like. I couldn't imagine that for very long. I really want to have a family, either a biological child or a child adopted into our hearts. So soon those awful feelings passed and then I just wanted answers from the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss testing. I felt ready to go on rather quickly. It's not that I didn't mourn the second loss but I was already in a grieving state from the first. The second miscarriage just seemed like a continuation of the first one.
Sometimes the pain sneaks back up unexpectedly. This pain has a name...Grief. Grief isn't just limited to those of us that have lost a baby. Some women grieve every month when their period arrives. Those that are TTC with infertility know the pain of loss too.
I think about getting pregnant and having a baby every day. It's woven into my being right now. I can't escape it. And truly I don't want to. I think it consumes me in a positive way. It motivates me to continue on. I still have hope that this is possible!
I certainly don't feel positive 100% of the time. I cry over what we don't have. I cry over the could have beens and the should have beens.
Grief is funny. It doesn't make sense and it really doesn't have to. Whatever you feel, is what you feel. Our feelings are valid!
I don't wallow in my grief. I don't wrap myself in sadness. I can see babies without a dagger going through my heart. It may make me a little wistful but it doesn't knock me to the floor.
My husband has been so strong through this. I know part of it is the typical male response. I learned to lean not only on my husband but also more on God.
Grief is like a wave in the ocean...it can reach out and swallow you and then spit you out on the other side. It can be small calm predictable waves and then all of a sudden a monster wave comes out of no where.
I had parts of this blog post written when my friend, Darreth, shared how she was feeling after a recent pregnancy scare. She said that she felt as if she was out of control and being hit by waves. She quoted a devotion that said, "I can face the waves because I trust the one that made the ocean."
I trust the One that made the ocean. Please, dear God, keep me upright in these rough seas.
My first pregnancy lasted 9 weeks. My second, only 4.5 weeks. I definitely feel more connection to the first pregnancy. I had pregnancy innocence then. Things were uncertain then but I had a lot of hope inspired in part by the fact that I got pregnant on our second month of TTC. I had hope that we wouldn't need the money that we had set aside for fertility treatments after all. I had hope that at the beginning of 2008, we'd have our own little baby and be a family.
By the time I got pregnant the second time, I was already a little hardened. The second miscarriage definitely hit me harder than the first. All of a sudden I was in *THAT* category. Those that have multiple miscarriages with no living children. There were a few days in the beginning that I was understandably completely devastated- think big black hole, didn't want to TTC any more. I tried to imagine what living childless would be like. I couldn't imagine that for very long. I really want to have a family, either a biological child or a child adopted into our hearts. So soon those awful feelings passed and then I just wanted answers from the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss testing. I felt ready to go on rather quickly. It's not that I didn't mourn the second loss but I was already in a grieving state from the first. The second miscarriage just seemed like a continuation of the first one.
Sometimes the pain sneaks back up unexpectedly. This pain has a name...Grief. Grief isn't just limited to those of us that have lost a baby. Some women grieve every month when their period arrives. Those that are TTC with infertility know the pain of loss too.
I think about getting pregnant and having a baby every day. It's woven into my being right now. I can't escape it. And truly I don't want to. I think it consumes me in a positive way. It motivates me to continue on. I still have hope that this is possible!
I certainly don't feel positive 100% of the time. I cry over what we don't have. I cry over the could have beens and the should have beens.
Grief is funny. It doesn't make sense and it really doesn't have to. Whatever you feel, is what you feel. Our feelings are valid!
I don't wallow in my grief. I don't wrap myself in sadness. I can see babies without a dagger going through my heart. It may make me a little wistful but it doesn't knock me to the floor.
My husband has been so strong through this. I know part of it is the typical male response. I learned to lean not only on my husband but also more on God.
Grief is like a wave in the ocean...it can reach out and swallow you and then spit you out on the other side. It can be small calm predictable waves and then all of a sudden a monster wave comes out of no where.
I had parts of this blog post written when my friend, Darreth, shared how she was feeling after a recent pregnancy scare. She said that she felt as if she was out of control and being hit by waves. She quoted a devotion that said, "I can face the waves because I trust the one that made the ocean."
Psalm 93:3-4 Free use by permission from http://www.heartlight.org/
I trust the One that made the ocean. Please, dear God, keep me upright in these rough seas.
Monday, January 7, 2008
A freaking minefield
I have a freaking minefield in my ovaries.
This cycle has been f*'d up to say the least. And now it continues. So far I don't like my experience with medicated cycles.
Here's a brief recap: After RPL testing showed no problems except for my Advanced Maternal Age, my new RE put me on Clomid to produce more follicles and maybe even a better quality egg. The first cycle I responded beautifully, 4 potential eggs. Due to hostile CM from the Clomid, we had to switch from timed intercourse to IUI. The sperm count post wash was only 4 million. We attributed this to having sex only 24 hours before and the high fever my husband had a few days prior. Because of the sudden switch, the IUI was 48 hours post trigger which was really awful timing. No surprise, first medicated cycle BFN.
The second cycle during my baseline ultrasound, I had a small 11 mm cyst on my left ovary. My nurse okayed my to start Clomid. At my ultrasound on CD 11, I had a 35 mm cyst on old leftie. The rest of the medicated cycle was canceled, no trigger and no IUI because of the risk of ovary torsion. We were given the okay to try on our own. And so we did. I dutifully POAS trying to detect my LH surge. I saw lots of lines but the digital OPK never read positive. My chart was very inconclusive since the Clomid jacked my temps up.
Fast forward to yesterday. I started bleeding. It was light at first but got heavier to the point that I considered calling it CD 1. This was only 23 days from my last period. I'm normally a 28 day girl. But considering that this was a possible annovulatory cycle, I really wasn't expecting my period any time soon. My ovaries started getting even more painful and I went to bed early.
When I awoke this morning, I knew that my period had definitely started. We are going out of town tonight so I really needed to get into my clinic today for the baseline ultrasound. I might have stretched it a little by saying yesterday's flow was CD 1 but I hated to miss a full day's work to make it to an ultrasound later in the week. I felt pretty crappy and figured I still had a cyst or two. I knew Clomid was out this cycle. Instead of going on BCP, I planned on TTC a couple of cycles unmedicated to allow us a chance at getting pregnant and time for the cysts to go down.
I was prepared for a cyst or two and no Clomid this cycle. That was pretty much a given. Well, that one freaking cyst from CD 11 has grown and invited friends to move into the neighborhood.
I was not prepared for a freaking minefield and very serious warnings about the danger to my fertility.
Simply put, I have 9 cysts ranging from 21 mm to 46 mm. My ovaries are extremely heavy and there is a serious risk of ovarian torsion where the blood supply could get cut off to the ovaries. The ovary would then die without emergency surgery.
Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm
Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm
My nurse thinks that since my period started early, I ovulated early. Maybe around CD 10 or 11. She said it would be very unusual for me to not ovulate on 100 mg of Clomid since I ovulate on my own.
My chart doesn't really show ovulation but I could almost see that it's possible based on how my temps all were pretty steady. All the annovulatory charts I've seen, are pretty rocky up and down.
My lining is thick so a beta was ordered. Might as well throw a chemical pregnancy into the mix. (heavy sarcasm) I'll get the results after 3 pm. If it's positive, it really can't be a good thing because of the amount of bleeding.
I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy. No jumping around or exercising. No sex.
She said any of those things could cause the ovaries to twist on the thin ligaments that hold them floating in my pelvis. So despite my intention of going unmedicated, I really didn't have much of a choice about going on Aygestin. The cysts need to stop growing ASAP. I have a follow up ultrasound in two weeks.
God help me. I just want a baby. Not a fleet of cysts trying to take over my pelvis.
Aygestin (Norethindrone Acetate)
Aygestin is a form of progestin, a synthetic substance that chemically resembles progesterone, that may be prescribed in ovulation induction therapies to inhibit ovulation and quiet the ovaries in advance of egg stimulation using injectable hormones. This "down time" helps the ovaries respond better to treatment. In much the same way that oral contraceptives prevent pregnancy by inhibiting normal ovulation, Aygestin is used in IVF and related procedures to turn off the body's natural ovulatory cycle. Side effects of Aygestin may include: abdominal pain or cramps; diarrhea; fatigue; unusual tiredness; weakness; hot flashes; decreased sex drive; nausea; trouble sleeping; depression, irritability, or other mood changes; swelling in the face, ankles, or feet; weight gain.
This cycle has been f*'d up to say the least. And now it continues. So far I don't like my experience with medicated cycles.
Here's a brief recap: After RPL testing showed no problems except for my Advanced Maternal Age, my new RE put me on Clomid to produce more follicles and maybe even a better quality egg. The first cycle I responded beautifully, 4 potential eggs. Due to hostile CM from the Clomid, we had to switch from timed intercourse to IUI. The sperm count post wash was only 4 million. We attributed this to having sex only 24 hours before and the high fever my husband had a few days prior. Because of the sudden switch, the IUI was 48 hours post trigger which was really awful timing. No surprise, first medicated cycle BFN.
The second cycle during my baseline ultrasound, I had a small 11 mm cyst on my left ovary. My nurse okayed my to start Clomid. At my ultrasound on CD 11, I had a 35 mm cyst on old leftie. The rest of the medicated cycle was canceled, no trigger and no IUI because of the risk of ovary torsion. We were given the okay to try on our own. And so we did. I dutifully POAS trying to detect my LH surge. I saw lots of lines but the digital OPK never read positive. My chart was very inconclusive since the Clomid jacked my temps up.
Fast forward to yesterday. I started bleeding. It was light at first but got heavier to the point that I considered calling it CD 1. This was only 23 days from my last period. I'm normally a 28 day girl. But considering that this was a possible annovulatory cycle, I really wasn't expecting my period any time soon. My ovaries started getting even more painful and I went to bed early.
When I awoke this morning, I knew that my period had definitely started. We are going out of town tonight so I really needed to get into my clinic today for the baseline ultrasound. I might have stretched it a little by saying yesterday's flow was CD 1 but I hated to miss a full day's work to make it to an ultrasound later in the week. I felt pretty crappy and figured I still had a cyst or two. I knew Clomid was out this cycle. Instead of going on BCP, I planned on TTC a couple of cycles unmedicated to allow us a chance at getting pregnant and time for the cysts to go down.
I was prepared for a cyst or two and no Clomid this cycle. That was pretty much a given. Well, that one freaking cyst from CD 11 has grown and invited friends to move into the neighborhood.
I was not prepared for a freaking minefield and very serious warnings about the danger to my fertility.
Simply put, I have 9 cysts ranging from 21 mm to 46 mm. My ovaries are extremely heavy and there is a serious risk of ovarian torsion where the blood supply could get cut off to the ovaries. The ovary would then die without emergency surgery.
Left Ovary:
46 mm
37 mm
34 mm
33 mm
32 mm
Right Ovary:
38 mm
25 mm
21 mm
21 mm
My nurse thinks that since my period started early, I ovulated early. Maybe around CD 10 or 11. She said it would be very unusual for me to not ovulate on 100 mg of Clomid since I ovulate on my own.
My chart doesn't really show ovulation but I could almost see that it's possible based on how my temps all were pretty steady. All the annovulatory charts I've seen, are pretty rocky up and down.
My lining is thick so a beta was ordered. Might as well throw a chemical pregnancy into the mix. (heavy sarcasm) I'll get the results after 3 pm. If it's positive, it really can't be a good thing because of the amount of bleeding.
I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy. No jumping around or exercising. No sex.
She said any of those things could cause the ovaries to twist on the thin ligaments that hold them floating in my pelvis. So despite my intention of going unmedicated, I really didn't have much of a choice about going on Aygestin. The cysts need to stop growing ASAP. I have a follow up ultrasound in two weeks.
God help me. I just want a baby. Not a fleet of cysts trying to take over my pelvis.
Aygestin (Norethindrone Acetate)
Aygestin is a form of progestin, a synthetic substance that chemically resembles progesterone, that may be prescribed in ovulation induction therapies to inhibit ovulation and quiet the ovaries in advance of egg stimulation using injectable hormones. This "down time" helps the ovaries respond better to treatment. In much the same way that oral contraceptives prevent pregnancy by inhibiting normal ovulation, Aygestin is used in IVF and related procedures to turn off the body's natural ovulatory cycle. Side effects of Aygestin may include: abdominal pain or cramps; diarrhea; fatigue; unusual tiredness; weakness; hot flashes; decreased sex drive; nausea; trouble sleeping; depression, irritability, or other mood changes; swelling in the face, ankles, or feet; weight gain.
Monday, December 31, 2007
I have an expensive habit.
I'm addicted.
I'm a junkie.
Pee sticks.
They haunt me.
I'm missing my ovulation.
I need my fix!
I'm on CD 19 and still no positive or peak. I'm really frustrated with this Clomid cycle and resulting cyst. I think my ovaries are ticked off and maybe on strike.
I'm testing about 3 times a day. With multiple OPK.
Clomid can interfere with the CBEFM. Sometimes you won't get a peak on the monitor because Clomid causes higher estrogen levels as it fakes out your FSH to keep producing. So I don't trust my monitor.
That means I'm using additional OPK to check. And boy am I checking!
I'm using the Answer test strips. ($19 for 20 tests) When those look positive, then I'm checking with the CBE digital. ($39 for 7) Um, I'm on the second box of the digis.
The trouble is the Answer brand have been looking pretty damn positive since Friday. But when I check with the digital, no go. Empty circle. No smiley face.
I have a pee stick collection. They are labeled by date so I can be even more neurotic. Yesterday, the line on the digital looked darker than it has all week.
I'm almost hopeful but it's getting so late in my cycle.
Pee Stick Collection I actually threw some away earlier in the week. And after I admitted my problem here, I forced myself to throw some more away. It's really gross but I am compelled to compare the darkness of the lines.
I even called CBE to inquire about the lines on the digital OPK. The line closest to the pee end is the LH line. The other line is just a control line.
On the CBEFM, the line closest to the pee end is again the LH line. The other line is the estrogen.
I am seeing a darker line on the CBE Digital so hopefully that is a good sign. I have some secondary fertility signs too. Come on, ovaries!
"My Works" for my addiction
Do I chance ovulation after CD 20? My follicles are probably all over mature by now. My egg quality probably sucks.
Damn cyst. We're probably going to continue to TTC this cycle. Another miscarriage would be awful but wasting another cycle almost seems harder. Especially with BCP therapy lurking in the future if the cyst isn't gone.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Black Hole On Christmas Eve
My CD 11 ultrasound was today to check the follicle maturity before I triggered with Ovidrel. I knew there was a problem as soon as I saw the huge black hole on the screen.
My left ovary has a cyst that is too big for me to continue with a medicated cycle. It measures 34.6 mm. At 35 mm, I risk ovary torsion if I trigger with the Ovidrel. If you're too lazy to click, it's a serious complication that would require emergency surgery or risk losing the ovary.
The black hole monster follicle is too big and likely overmature at this point even if it still has an egg in it.
My other follicles aren't so great. I have one that maybe be mature in a few days.
So no Ovidrel to trigger ovulation and no inseminations.
Right:
13.4 mm
8.5 mm
10.3
Left:
34.6 Black Hole
19.0 Hopeful follicle to mature
12.1
Endo: 6.73 not very thick yet but I'm only on CD 11. I think it has time.
We are allowed to still TTC this cycle but no medications. No Ovidrel and no progesterone support. I'm to check for an LH surge and hope it comes in the next few days. If it doesn't happen soon that this cycle may be a complete bust. After I get an LH surge, then I'm supposed to schedule a progesterone blood draw.
We've gotten pregnant on our own 2 out of 3 cycles we TTC. So there's definitely a chance for us to be successful.
The nurse was nice. She said that IF my period started, I'll come back for another ultrasound. That was nice that she didn't say when your period starts. Every little bit of hope helps.
If the cysts are still there, then I'll go on a form of BCP to quieten my ovaries. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't have good experience with BCP helping cysts go away. In 2006, I spent close to 8 months monitoring cysts while on BCP. It took that long for them to go away. I feel like I don't have 8 months to waste now!
I'm ready to have a pity party instead of a Christmas or a birthday party. But the show must go on. At least we "celebrated" my birthday yesterday so we were able to enjoy that without any shadows over it. But it still sucks.
And my husband is secretly releaved. He was dreading doing the IUI business. Men!
My left ovary has a cyst that is too big for me to continue with a medicated cycle. It measures 34.6 mm. At 35 mm, I risk ovary torsion if I trigger with the Ovidrel. If you're too lazy to click, it's a serious complication that would require emergency surgery or risk losing the ovary.
The black hole monster follicle is too big and likely overmature at this point even if it still has an egg in it.
My other follicles aren't so great. I have one that maybe be mature in a few days.
So no Ovidrel to trigger ovulation and no inseminations.
Right:
13.4 mm
8.5 mm
10.3
Left:
34.6 Black Hole
19.0 Hopeful follicle to mature
12.1
Endo: 6.73 not very thick yet but I'm only on CD 11. I think it has time.
We are allowed to still TTC this cycle but no medications. No Ovidrel and no progesterone support. I'm to check for an LH surge and hope it comes in the next few days. If it doesn't happen soon that this cycle may be a complete bust. After I get an LH surge, then I'm supposed to schedule a progesterone blood draw.
We've gotten pregnant on our own 2 out of 3 cycles we TTC. So there's definitely a chance for us to be successful.
The nurse was nice. She said that IF my period started, I'll come back for another ultrasound. That was nice that she didn't say when your period starts. Every little bit of hope helps.
If the cysts are still there, then I'll go on a form of BCP to quieten my ovaries. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't have good experience with BCP helping cysts go away. In 2006, I spent close to 8 months monitoring cysts while on BCP. It took that long for them to go away. I feel like I don't have 8 months to waste now!
I'm ready to have a pity party instead of a Christmas or a birthday party. But the show must go on. At least we "celebrated" my birthday yesterday so we were able to enjoy that without any shadows over it. But it still sucks.
And my husband is secretly releaved. He was dreading doing the IUI business. Men!
Monday, December 10, 2007
"You do testes?"
I had my final beta this morning. A different nurse called me back for the blood draw. While she wrote down my cell number for the results call, I told her not to feel bad when she calls me. That I was pretty sure it was negative.
Imagine in a thick Spanish accent: She says, "You do testes at home?"
I say, "WHAT?" Meanwhile I'm thinking my DH would enjoy this conversation.
"You do testes already?" She repeats it again and I get that she is saying tests as in pregnancy tests. LMAO! My ear does not "hear" Spanglish very good. Too much of my life was spent in Ohio.
ME: "Yes, I got a negative this morning."
Nurse: "We have a lot of women get pregnant on the second cycle."
ME: Thinking this, not saying it out loud because she's getting ready to stick me. "Well if I'd known that, I could have only paid $32 for the Clomid. Taken it and called it done. Next cycle, please. I could have skipped paying $566 for monitoring and the IUI. This whole month would have been a lot cheaper, easier, and less painful."
I talked to another nurse, Tania, about the irritation from the progesterone suppositories. She said it's not a yeast infection and that Aquaphor from Eucerin is the best soothing treatment. I bought a huge container of it at Walmart today. I'm ready to take a bath in that stuff!
I'll have my test result after 3 pm today. But it pretty much has to be negative unless it's another pregnancy gone bad. There's no doubt when I ovulated.
3:09 PM and the results: Negative
Imagine in a thick Spanish accent: She says, "You do testes at home?"
I say, "WHAT?" Meanwhile I'm thinking my DH would enjoy this conversation.
"You do testes already?" She repeats it again and I get that she is saying tests as in pregnancy tests. LMAO! My ear does not "hear" Spanglish very good. Too much of my life was spent in Ohio.
ME: "Yes, I got a negative this morning."
Nurse: "We have a lot of women get pregnant on the second cycle."
ME: Thinking this, not saying it out loud because she's getting ready to stick me. "Well if I'd known that, I could have only paid $32 for the Clomid. Taken it and called it done. Next cycle, please. I could have skipped paying $566 for monitoring and the IUI. This whole month would have been a lot cheaper, easier, and less painful."
I talked to another nurse, Tania, about the irritation from the progesterone suppositories. She said it's not a yeast infection and that Aquaphor from Eucerin is the best soothing treatment. I bought a huge container of it at Walmart today. I'm ready to take a bath in that stuff!
I'll have my test result after 3 pm today. But it pretty much has to be negative unless it's another pregnancy gone bad. There's no doubt when I ovulated.
3:09 PM and the results: Negative
Monday, December 3, 2007
Is that Jeopardy music in the background?
I keep imagining the Jeporady theme music playing in the background during the 2 WW! I'm praying that we have the correct answer when the music stops playing.
In the form of a question: "What is a BFP?"
I have my progesterone blood test today. I'm counting myself as 6 DPIUI. 8 DPTrigger
For excitement I used a line OPK. It wasn't full on positive dark but there was still a healthy colored line there. So I guess I'm still metabolizing the trigger. I might POAS tomorrow just to see if it's negative yet.
In the form of a question: "What is a BFP?"
I have my progesterone blood test today. I'm counting myself as 6 DPIUI. 8 DPTrigger
For excitement I used a line OPK. It wasn't full on positive dark but there was still a healthy colored line there. So I guess I'm still metabolizing the trigger. I might POAS tomorrow just to see if it's negative yet.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Are my ovaries the size of softballs?
Or what?
This must be payback since I had none of my normal ovulation cramping when I was supposed to be ovulating from the trigger.
This cramping stuff started after my IUI and reached a crescendo today. I've got typical cramps in my ovary areas and now this pinching in the center started. I have no illusions that the center pain isn't related to my ovary size. I've had pretty massive cysts before and the pain didn't confine itself to just my little old ovary. There's only so much room in there after all.
This can be totally normal after ovulation so I'm not currently freaking out. It's just that all that constant rumbling makes it difficult to put all this suspense of the 2WW out of my mind.
I just hope it means there's some healthy CL cysts in there and not really softballs.
Overall I'm doing well. The germ factory (aka my husband) has finally sent a shipment of his finest product my way. I started with a sore throat in early morning that I kept trying to play off as allergies or the air conditioning bothering me. By evening time, I know I have his cold. No doubt about it.
Why would should any 2WW be uneventful?
I have some hope for a success but I think it's realistic hope tempered by the sperm count. At least we know my ovaries can respond well to the Clomid.
Take that Dr Creepy Skulker.
This must be payback since I had none of my normal ovulation cramping when I was supposed to be ovulating from the trigger.
This cramping stuff started after my IUI and reached a crescendo today. I've got typical cramps in my ovary areas and now this pinching in the center started. I have no illusions that the center pain isn't related to my ovary size. I've had pretty massive cysts before and the pain didn't confine itself to just my little old ovary. There's only so much room in there after all.
This can be totally normal after ovulation so I'm not currently freaking out. It's just that all that constant rumbling makes it difficult to put all this suspense of the 2WW out of my mind.
I just hope it means there's some healthy CL cysts in there and not really softballs.
Overall I'm doing well. The germ factory (aka my husband) has finally sent a shipment of his finest product my way. I started with a sore throat in early morning that I kept trying to play off as allergies or the air conditioning bothering me. By evening time, I know I have his cold. No doubt about it.
Why would should any 2WW be uneventful?
I have some hope for a success but I think it's realistic hope tempered by the sperm count. At least we know my ovaries can respond well to the Clomid.
Take that Dr Creepy Skulker.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Kicks and Wishes
Okay, I'm at the point where I'm kicking myself for what we did or didn't do and wishing we'd done things differently.
I wish that when we had sex Friday night, we used the PreSeed. It was how I got pregnant twice before on our own. The PreSeed may have helped with the CM issue and Chris' count may have been okay that night. Right now I consider Friday a waste if I was hostile to the sperm and since I ovulated 3 days or so later.
I wish we had sex late Sunday instead of waiting until Monday morning. I'm really kicking myself for this one. I hated to wait Chris up at midnight which was the earliest we could have sex for the PCT. So we waited until Monday am. Then that only left 24 hours between ejaculations for the IUI. It would have given him another 7 hours to produce more sperm if we'd done it at midnight.
I wish he'd taken the Tylenol Medicine right away when I tried to give it to him.
I wish he wouldn't have gotten sick. I wish he didn't forget his vitamins last week. I wish he got more sleep at Thanksgiving. I wish he would listen to me when I tell him he needs to stop driving every 2 hours and walk around.
I wish I wasn't angry about this. I wish we weren't down to this.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
Can someone give me a big kick in the butt? Please? I hate being so negative. My friend had a lower count for her IUI but I'm hopeful for her. And here I'm being a big jackass about mine.
I wish that when we had sex Friday night, we used the PreSeed. It was how I got pregnant twice before on our own. The PreSeed may have helped with the CM issue and Chris' count may have been okay that night. Right now I consider Friday a waste if I was hostile to the sperm and since I ovulated 3 days or so later.
I wish we had sex late Sunday instead of waiting until Monday morning. I'm really kicking myself for this one. I hated to wait Chris up at midnight which was the earliest we could have sex for the PCT. So we waited until Monday am. Then that only left 24 hours between ejaculations for the IUI. It would have given him another 7 hours to produce more sperm if we'd done it at midnight.
I wish he'd taken the Tylenol Medicine right away when I tried to give it to him.
I wish he wouldn't have gotten sick. I wish he didn't forget his vitamins last week. I wish he got more sleep at Thanksgiving. I wish he would listen to me when I tell him he needs to stop driving every 2 hours and walk around.
I wish I wasn't angry about this. I wish we weren't down to this.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
Can someone give me a big kick in the butt? Please? I hate being so negative. My friend had a lower count for her IUI but I'm hopeful for her. And here I'm being a big jackass about mine.
IUI...no one came to the party
Dead sperm again. There was 18 MIL with 44% motility pre wash.
Post wash number of sperm inseminated: 3.8 MIL with 90 % motility.
Forward progression 2+
They like to see 10 million post wash. I know it's better than nothing, but crap. Not what I wanted to see. I wanted to cry on the table but kept my tears inside. The nurse tried to make it sound better by saying the 90% motility was great. Well there's not very damn many of them. And the forward progression isn't awesome. It's close/within normal range. 2.5 FP would have been better. I guess this was in between 2.0-2.5.
And the IUI hurt like a MFer. It hurt more than any other procedure that I ever had. More than the SHG, HSG, Uterus lining biopsy, copo with biopsy. She asked me if it was hurting really bad and I couldn't speak. I could only breathe.
Prior to the IUI, the nurse asked me to empty my bladder. I read on T-TTC that a full bladder can make it less painful to put the catheter through the cervix. Next time I'm not going to pee!
And yeah, I'm pretty sure there's going to be a next time.
And next cycle I want Chris to do another Semen Analysis prior to the Clomid and IUI. I want to make sure his levels are back up before we try this stunt again.
Also I want to make sure he doesn't have an infection and a lot of white blood cells in the semen.
A fever could impact sperm for up to 3 months since it damages the immature sperm in the testes too. Sperm take 3 months to mature. So in 3 months there will be a fresh crop of sperm that weren't exposed to the fever.
There's so sense wasting our time off and money. This is too expensive OOP on top of us both losing complete days of work with no pay.
What a fricking time to get a cold. Chris ever the tough guy, had refused to take the Tylenol Cold medicine. It could have helped with the damn fever on Sunday. Maybe it would have broke sooner.
Post IUI, I'm still a little crampy and bloated. I was bloated feeling prior though so it may just be my ovaries all out of joint from working so hard.
I feel like those four potential eggs are all lonely right now. No one came to the party. Crap. Now I'm crying. :(
Post wash number of sperm inseminated: 3.8 MIL with 90 % motility.
Forward progression 2+
They like to see 10 million post wash. I know it's better than nothing, but crap. Not what I wanted to see. I wanted to cry on the table but kept my tears inside. The nurse tried to make it sound better by saying the 90% motility was great. Well there's not very damn many of them. And the forward progression isn't awesome. It's close/within normal range. 2.5 FP would have been better. I guess this was in between 2.0-2.5.
And the IUI hurt like a MFer. It hurt more than any other procedure that I ever had. More than the SHG, HSG, Uterus lining biopsy, copo with biopsy. She asked me if it was hurting really bad and I couldn't speak. I could only breathe.
Prior to the IUI, the nurse asked me to empty my bladder. I read on T-TTC that a full bladder can make it less painful to put the catheter through the cervix. Next time I'm not going to pee!
And yeah, I'm pretty sure there's going to be a next time.
And next cycle I want Chris to do another Semen Analysis prior to the Clomid and IUI. I want to make sure his levels are back up before we try this stunt again.
Also I want to make sure he doesn't have an infection and a lot of white blood cells in the semen.
A fever could impact sperm for up to 3 months since it damages the immature sperm in the testes too. Sperm take 3 months to mature. So in 3 months there will be a fresh crop of sperm that weren't exposed to the fever.
There's so sense wasting our time off and money. This is too expensive OOP on top of us both losing complete days of work with no pay.
What a fricking time to get a cold. Chris ever the tough guy, had refused to take the Tylenol Cold medicine. It could have helped with the damn fever on Sunday. Maybe it would have broke sooner.
Post IUI, I'm still a little crampy and bloated. I was bloated feeling prior though so it may just be my ovaries all out of joint from working so hard.
I feel like those four potential eggs are all lonely right now. No one came to the party. Crap. Now I'm crying. :(
Monday, November 26, 2007
Hopefully I killed his sperm
We didn't do our homework until this morning. We should have sex late Sunday night but I felt bad for Chris. Chris got a cold yesterday. He woke up at 1:30 AM shivering like crazy. I forced him to take some Tylenol Cold for the fever but it may have been too late.
I had the Post Coital today. My RE used a catheter and syringe to pull out a sample of my CM from inside my cervix. She was disappointed in the amount of CM and she had trouble getting the sample. I had a small amount of EWCM on Saturday but none yesterday or today.
I killed all of Chris' sperm. There was only one alive and still swimming. Well hopefully I killed his sperm. If not then the fever did him in.
There was one other alive sperm, but it was not swimming right. She said the pass or fail is 5 alive and swimming sperm in the field of study under the microscope. She said there were a lot of sperm, just all dead. She thinks it's the Clomid that made me hostile to the sperm. To get around this Clomid side effect we are doing the IUI tomorrow. I asked her if the fever Chris had could cause sperm count problems and she agreed that it could. Lousy timing, she said. Yeah, real lousy and costing us a lot with time off work plus the cost of the IUI.
My RE said we'll know tomorrow when they do the sample. If there's a lot of dead sperm or a low count, then the fever is affecting it. If tomorrow's sperm count is bad, we won't have much of a chance. The IUI is all or nothing.
I had the Post Coital today. My RE used a catheter and syringe to pull out a sample of my CM from inside my cervix. She was disappointed in the amount of CM and she had trouble getting the sample. I had a small amount of EWCM on Saturday but none yesterday or today.
I killed all of Chris' sperm. There was only one alive and still swimming. Well hopefully I killed his sperm. If not then the fever did him in.
There was one other alive sperm, but it was not swimming right. She said the pass or fail is 5 alive and swimming sperm in the field of study under the microscope. She said there were a lot of sperm, just all dead. She thinks it's the Clomid that made me hostile to the sperm. To get around this Clomid side effect we are doing the IUI tomorrow. I asked her if the fever Chris had could cause sperm count problems and she agreed that it could. Lousy timing, she said. Yeah, real lousy and costing us a lot with time off work plus the cost of the IUI.
My RE said we'll know tomorrow when they do the sample. If there's a lot of dead sperm or a low count, then the fever is affecting it. If tomorrow's sperm count is bad, we won't have much of a chance. The IUI is all or nothing.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
The Anchovies Worked
Chris told me eating anchovies would help my follicles grow. Well it worked!
Today I had good news at the CD 12 ultrasound. According to the nurse, I have 2-3 mature follicles so out of those hopefully I'll have one good egg. It's great that I have maybe 3, but it's not a guarantee that any of them will be good ones. So far I have a track record of sucky eggs=miscarriages.
I didn't get to write down the exact numbers but here's the approx sizes:
22.something mm
18.something mm
18.something mm
17.75 mm
If there's a next time, I will write them down. I didn't think ahead today or I would have had a pen and paper ready.
I was instructed to bring the Ovidrel with me to the appointment. I reused the freezer packs and thermal envelope it was originally shipped in to keep it cold for the trip down to the office. It's been in my fridge since FedEx made the delivery.
After we did the u/s, the nurse gave me the option of her injecting me with the trigger shot or her teaching me to do it. If she did it, then I would get charged.
So I opted to do it myself. She prepared the syringe by getting the air bubble out of it. Then it was all mine.
It's a pretty short needle that goes straight into your stomach. It honestly didn't hurt and was easy to do. Chris said he had to turn his head away though. Do you think this guy will last in the delivery room? Wimpy! ;)
This Ovidrel will trigger ovulation in 36-48 hours. It's basically like a shot of LH to make the follicles release their eggs. I say it's like a shot of LH but in fact it's HCG- the pregnancy hormone which is chemically similar to LH. That becomes important later.
If the follicles over mature, then the egg quality goes down.
I'm so happy and thankful to God about the timing of this all. I was so stressed out on the timing with our days off work. If I had to go back in a few days for another ultra sound check, it would have meant a lot more time off work for the monitoring and Post Coital Test. This way even my progesterone blood draw next week and beta blood draw can be done on our normal day off.
We have to have sex tonight or early tomorrow morning, no more than 10 hours from our appointment. Then they are going to do the Post Cotial Test to make sure the CM is okay after taking the Clomid. If my CM isn't fertile enough or if there's only dead sperm left, then we have to do an IUI on Tuesday.
The PCT is kind of humilating but they do it all the time. I just don't like the idea of us having sex and then them checking on it! Chris said he wasn't going into the exam room tomorrow. He said he couldn't face the doctor if "the best part of him" was running down my leg. Ugh. He was so cute and understanding just a few days ago. What happened?
Hopefully we can save our time off and our money by skipping the IUI.
Today I had good news at the CD 12 ultrasound. According to the nurse, I have 2-3 mature follicles so out of those hopefully I'll have one good egg. It's great that I have maybe 3, but it's not a guarantee that any of them will be good ones. So far I have a track record of sucky eggs=miscarriages.
I didn't get to write down the exact numbers but here's the approx sizes:
22.something mm
18.something mm
18.something mm
17.75 mm
If there's a next time, I will write them down. I didn't think ahead today or I would have had a pen and paper ready.
I was instructed to bring the Ovidrel with me to the appointment. I reused the freezer packs and thermal envelope it was originally shipped in to keep it cold for the trip down to the office. It's been in my fridge since FedEx made the delivery.
After we did the u/s, the nurse gave me the option of her injecting me with the trigger shot or her teaching me to do it. If she did it, then I would get charged.
So I opted to do it myself. She prepared the syringe by getting the air bubble out of it. Then it was all mine.
It's a pretty short needle that goes straight into your stomach. It honestly didn't hurt and was easy to do. Chris said he had to turn his head away though. Do you think this guy will last in the delivery room? Wimpy! ;)
This Ovidrel will trigger ovulation in 36-48 hours. It's basically like a shot of LH to make the follicles release their eggs. I say it's like a shot of LH but in fact it's HCG- the pregnancy hormone which is chemically similar to LH. That becomes important later.
If the follicles over mature, then the egg quality goes down.
I'm so happy and thankful to God about the timing of this all. I was so stressed out on the timing with our days off work. If I had to go back in a few days for another ultra sound check, it would have meant a lot more time off work for the monitoring and Post Coital Test. This way even my progesterone blood draw next week and beta blood draw can be done on our normal day off.
We have to have sex tonight or early tomorrow morning, no more than 10 hours from our appointment. Then they are going to do the Post Cotial Test to make sure the CM is okay after taking the Clomid. If my CM isn't fertile enough or if there's only dead sperm left, then we have to do an IUI on Tuesday.
The PCT is kind of humilating but they do it all the time. I just don't like the idea of us having sex and then them checking on it! Chris said he wasn't going into the exam room tomorrow. He said he couldn't face the doctor if "the best part of him" was running down my leg. Ugh. He was so cute and understanding just a few days ago. What happened?
Hopefully we can save our time off and our money by skipping the IUI.
Friday, November 16, 2007
CD 3 Ultrasound
I went for my CD 3 u/s prior to starting the Clomid. I met my doctor's nurse, Leslie. She did the transvaginal u/s and really the only one I saw the entire visit.
My u/s was fine, no cysts on my ovaries so we are good to go. At the previous u/s Dr W found 3 parovarian cysts on my left ovary. She said that I shouldn't be concerned about them but to let the nurse know about them because sometimes they can be confused with ovarian cysts. So I in a round about way, mentioned them to Leslie before she started looking at lefty. I didn't want to tell her how to do her job, but I wanted to prevent any trouble. Who wants to have a second of trouble while on an exam table half naked? She had some difficulty finding all three of them. But eventually she got them measured to make sure they weren't growing or doing anything weird.
I admit that I'm slightly disappointed with their u/s viewing. Dr Creepy Skulker had big wall mounted plasma TVs for our viewing pleaseure. Dr W just has the standard u/s set up with monitor by the exam table. No biggie, of course.
I guess I was just spoiled. There's nothing like seeing your innards up on the wall. Some were even 3-D shots. (How some of those pregnant women would be jealous of a 3-D ultrasound! Ah yes, the "benefits" of IF.) For my viewing pleasure, my uterus was up on the wall, on a plamsa TV screen. But it certainly wasn't in HD. And it certainly is disappointing when there's no baby in there.
I'm sure all of us would much rather be on the other side of the fertility aisle and not reap those lovely "benefits" of uterus snap shots.
Afterwards I asked my questions.
Do I need to use an OPK and be prepared to trigger with the Ovidrel if I get a positive? No, the CD 12 u/s should be plenty of time.
Do they supplement with estrogen if my lining is thin?
Yes, but that's rarely necessary. The baby aspirin should help with that too.
I wish I'd asked about the PCT. Some studies say that it's not a very good test of hostile CM. Plus I've read that normally they are done within hours of having sex. We're set to do it about 12 hours after.
My u/s was fine, no cysts on my ovaries so we are good to go. At the previous u/s Dr W found 3 parovarian cysts on my left ovary. She said that I shouldn't be concerned about them but to let the nurse know about them because sometimes they can be confused with ovarian cysts. So I in a round about way, mentioned them to Leslie before she started looking at lefty. I didn't want to tell her how to do her job, but I wanted to prevent any trouble. Who wants to have a second of trouble while on an exam table half naked? She had some difficulty finding all three of them. But eventually she got them measured to make sure they weren't growing or doing anything weird.
I admit that I'm slightly disappointed with their u/s viewing. Dr Creepy Skulker had big wall mounted plasma TVs for our viewing pleaseure. Dr W just has the standard u/s set up with monitor by the exam table. No biggie, of course.
I guess I was just spoiled. There's nothing like seeing your innards up on the wall. Some were even 3-D shots. (How some of those pregnant women would be jealous of a 3-D ultrasound! Ah yes, the "benefits" of IF.) For my viewing pleasure, my uterus was up on the wall, on a plamsa TV screen. But it certainly wasn't in HD. And it certainly is disappointing when there's no baby in there.
I'm sure all of us would much rather be on the other side of the fertility aisle and not reap those lovely "benefits" of uterus snap shots.
Afterwards I asked my questions.
Do I need to use an OPK and be prepared to trigger with the Ovidrel if I get a positive? No, the CD 12 u/s should be plenty of time.
Do they supplement with estrogen if my lining is thin?
Yes, but that's rarely necessary. The baby aspirin should help with that too.
I wish I'd asked about the PCT. Some studies say that it's not a very good test of hostile CM. Plus I've read that normally they are done within hours of having sex. We're set to do it about 12 hours after.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I'M OFFICIALLY READY. I think.
Today was my last BCP! Yay. I really hated taking those for no purpose other than to verify that my tubes were open. Two pregnancies in two months usually means at least one open tube. But just to be on the safe side, I did the HSG.
I picked up my St Joseph's Baby Aspirin and OPK's today. I'm increasing my folic acid too. I had read an article discussing that sometimes overweight women need more folic acid. There are also various clotting disorders that are treated with additional folic acid. I tested negative but I've also read some clotting disorders can test negative normally but show up only in pregnancy.
Trish gave me a good March of Dimes link that helped pushed me over to the mega dose of folic acid. It is a water soluable vitamin so my body should get rid of what it doesn't need.
http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1151.asp
I will ask my new RE at my CD 3 u/s but for now I'm going to increase my dose to 4 mg to start with. I have a feeling she will be fine with it since I'm on other preventative measures like B/A and P4.
I have a small bottle of folic acid 400 mcg to go through before I head to Sam's for the industrial size bottle. Again thanks for the tip, Trish.
400mcg X 7 pills = 2800 mcg + 1000 mcg (1mg) in my PNV= 3,800 mcg or 3.8 mg
Anyone want to double check my math? 7 freaking pills is A LOT of one vitamin!
For kicks, this is what I'm taking:
Prenate Elite
81 mg Baby Aspirin
100 mg B6
2800 mcg Folic Acid
20 mg Acipex
Patanol oph. solution
100 mg Clomid CD 5-9
Oridrel at LH surge
200 mg Progesterone starting 3 days post Ovidrel
I take more crap than my 87 year old grandma. I think that I may add some B12.
Now I just need get my period and my CD 3 ultrasound out of the way. Then here comes Clomid!
Who knows when old AF will show up. I haven't been on these BCP before and I've been spotting off and on all month. So really who knows? Tomorrow would work perfectly. Thanks in advance, AF.
As to "I think" I'm ready part: I'm pretty anxious. This is it. We finally get to try again. April seems like a long time ago when I got pregnant the first time. I worry about all the monitoring logistics with this Clomid cycle. I worry that I won't get pregnant. I worry that it will result in another chemical pregnancy. I worry I'll have a later miscarriage. I worry.
I worry Dr Creepy Skulker is right and my eggs suck.
I picked up my St Joseph's Baby Aspirin and OPK's today. I'm increasing my folic acid too. I had read an article discussing that sometimes overweight women need more folic acid. There are also various clotting disorders that are treated with additional folic acid. I tested negative but I've also read some clotting disorders can test negative normally but show up only in pregnancy.
Trish gave me a good March of Dimes link that helped pushed me over to the mega dose of folic acid. It is a water soluable vitamin so my body should get rid of what it doesn't need.
http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1151.asp
I will ask my new RE at my CD 3 u/s but for now I'm going to increase my dose to 4 mg to start with. I have a feeling she will be fine with it since I'm on other preventative measures like B/A and P4.
I have a small bottle of folic acid 400 mcg to go through before I head to Sam's for the industrial size bottle. Again thanks for the tip, Trish.
400mcg X 7 pills = 2800 mcg + 1000 mcg (1mg) in my PNV= 3,800 mcg or 3.8 mg
Anyone want to double check my math? 7 freaking pills is A LOT of one vitamin!
For kicks, this is what I'm taking:
Prenate Elite
81 mg Baby Aspirin
100 mg B6
2800 mcg Folic Acid
20 mg Acipex
Patanol oph. solution
100 mg Clomid CD 5-9
Oridrel at LH surge
200 mg Progesterone starting 3 days post Ovidrel
I take more crap than my 87 year old grandma. I think that I may add some B12.
Now I just need get my period and my CD 3 ultrasound out of the way. Then here comes Clomid!
Who knows when old AF will show up. I haven't been on these BCP before and I've been spotting off and on all month. So really who knows? Tomorrow would work perfectly. Thanks in advance, AF.
As to "I think" I'm ready part: I'm pretty anxious. This is it. We finally get to try again. April seems like a long time ago when I got pregnant the first time. I worry about all the monitoring logistics with this Clomid cycle. I worry that I won't get pregnant. I worry that it will result in another chemical pregnancy. I worry I'll have a later miscarriage. I worry.
I worry Dr Creepy Skulker is right and my eggs suck.
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