I call it love.

QOTD: What is the craziest thing you've ever done for love?

That was the check in today on the message board. I know she was looking for silly romantic answers but it really hit me in another way.

The craziest thing I've done for love is not a silly thing.
Some may consider it crazy. I even consider it a little crazy but the only reason I've done it is solely for love.

The craziest thing (as in puting myself out on the line to be hurt) has to be the last 8 months total. That's the time since my first miscarriage. Since then I've had a second miscarriage. I've had countless medical exams and procedures. I've have vials upon vials of blood drawn. I've been embarassed and cried at the drop of a hat. I risk another miscarriage every month we try to make a baby. I risk more heartache. I've gotten hurt over and over, yet I keep exposing myself for more pain and rejection.

Doesn't it sound crazy?

People may say: Why don't you adopt? Or you're old, so maybe you should live childless. Isn't it time to give up?

No. Not yet. We're not done. We're not ready to move on.

I do this because I love my husband. I do this because I love our future child. I do this because I want to share our love in our own little family.

So call it crazy. I call it love.

Acupunture: Session One and Two

Session One

My first acupuncture appointment was intensive! I talked to the doctor for about 1.5 hours. We went over all my infertility testing from the RE, result by result. He asked a million questions about my lifestyle, work, and diet.

This Dr. Z wrote an article about miscarriage in our Resolve newsletter so that interesting. I had read the article in my RE's waiting room a few months ago but didn't pay attention to the author's name at the time. There's also a German study that has indicated that acupuncture can be beneficial to IVF success.
Here's a newspaper article regarding my acupuncturist and fertility.

http://www.ivfflorida.com/acupuncture.html

I'm going to try a few cycles of weekly acu treatments. I had one today and it was relaxing and energizing at the same time! He wants to work on my diet in up coming appointments. He really wants me to completely cut out caffeine and green tea. I only drink 6-10 ounces of coffee a day to get me started in the morning but I'm going to try to cut back, maybe go with half decaf. Then I'll try to switch to black tea per his suggestion.

He is concerned with the green tea blocking folic acid absorption. I have seen an article regarding that. In the past I just always took my folic acid as far from the green tea as possible.

He also wants me to try some Chinese herbs. My RE's nurse said it was okay but I'm still a little concerned. I'm supposed to have a consult with another doctor and then they'll order the herbs from a Chinese pharmacy in NYC.

For the first acu session lasted about 20 minutes. He put a needle in each foot. Then I had a series of needles up my leg to my knee.




He put a half dozen around my belly button with a heat lamp centered over them.
(You're not getting a picture of my stomach!)

I have an appointment next week for another session!


Session Two (CD 37, 6 DPO)

We talked about my charts this time before the needling started. He asked for copies of them for his review. The new patient paperwork asked about this but he didn't bring it up at the intake appointment. He asked me if I normally have cramping at ovulation and before my period. I do and I've been cramping for the past few days. (No, don't get excited. I doubt if it's implantation. I normally cramp during the 2WW.)

I got more needles this time! Again, I had the needles in my feet and up my lower legs. This time the needles were located lower on my belly/pelvic area. The heat lamp was again placed over my stomach. I also got one needle in each hand. I got one on my forehead and one on the top of my head.




Sorry, I look like so awful and uncomfortable. The acupuncture is actually not painful but it was uncomfortable to snap these pictures on my phone. I hid my phone under the pillow while he was inserting the needles. After he left I squirmed around until I could get the pictures snapped.
The needles in the back of my hand weren't very deep. I ended up dislodging the one in my left hand when I hid away the phone. Oops. He acted like it wasn't a big deal.

This session was a lot longer. Maybe 45 minutes or so.

I'm so sad.

I just feel so sad and frustrated. It's like we haven't had a real chance to TTC since my second m/c in August.

The first cycle, the IUI was ill timed because of the PCT.

Second cycle I ovulated way early and we only had sex on the day of ovulation.

And then the third cycle, I had the 9 cysts and was on a medicine that was supposed to suppress ovulation and bring on a period. Well my stupid body, decides to disobey doctor's orders and ovulate on CD 30! So now we didn't have well timed intercourse because I was bleeding from the progestin and my egg quality probably sucks from it being so late in my cycle.

I'm not very hopeful that I could be pregnant with the late ovulation and the fact that we only had sex on Monday and Tuesday.

There's always the chance though. And technically my ovaries were suppressed for 21 days. I know the follicle didn't grow until last week because of the two u/s. Stupid body couldn't just sit out the cycle like the doctor wanted, had to bust a move to ovulate.

I just spent way too much time playing with TCOYF and FF. Neither one wants to give me cross hairs no matter what info I took out or put in. I tried taking out the spotting since it was caused by the progestin and it still wasn't happy. I think the long cycle just blows their mind.

TCOYF Chart

Fertility Friend


TCOYF is setting my coverline super high for some reason. I see 3-4 good high temps. I really dislike it right now but I have a feeling it's correct. When I first entered in my info, it forecasted my period to start today. Well, I'm spotting bright red and have achy ovaries. Maybe the progestin withdraw finally kicked in. I don't know what I changed but now it's forecasting my period for Tuesday.

But the more I sit here, the more it feels like I'm having AF cramps.

Please dear God, give me a normal cycle. Without cysts would be a nice bonus.

I'm close to asking about trying Femara instead of Clomid. Wonder if we could do TI instead of IUI because the CM isn't supposed to be affected. That would help with my days off work for monitoring.

Most days I just want to cry. Oh, hell. I might as well cry. Maybe I'll feel better

Something for fun.

I stole this from Maria's blog.

Post your own answers in your blog or email.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Monday

3.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, I print just about everything and in capitals.

4.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Boar's Head Honey Maple Ham but for my diet I usually get some BH turkey.

5. DO YOU HAVE PET? No because we travel too much for work. :(

6.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Well, I like me most of the time.

7.DO YOU USE SARCASM? All the time.

8.DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No I had my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was in second grade.

9.WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, but Chris might talk me into it next time. He did it once already and thinks a tandem jump would be thrilling. I think it would make me pee my pants.

10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Kellog's Smart Start with added raisins.

11.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No

12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
At times I am, but I have moments when I fall to pieces.

13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Plain vanilla or B&J's Chunky Monkey

14.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they seem happy.

15.RED OR PINK? Pink

16.WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My weigt

17.WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My 87 year old grandma who lives over 1200 miles away.

18.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Blue

19.WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Pink PJ pants but no shoes. Yes, it's 2:30 pm. Do you have a problem with that?

20.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A huge salad with grilled chicken.

21.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The news.

22.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Sky Blue

23.FAVORITE SMELLS? Vanilla

24.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Grandma.

25.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS? Yes, I like to see the palm trees sway in the wind.

26.FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Football. Ohio State Football!

27.HAIR COLOR? Boring medium brown.

29.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes but I wear my glasses most often because of work.

30.FAVORITE FOOD? Mexican

31.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy

32.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Curious George

33.WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Pink

34.SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer

35.Hugs or kisses? Hugs

36.FAVORITE DESSERT? Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake

39.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I just finished listening to the audiobook of Almost Moon by Alice Sebold. I think I'm going to start reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls next.

40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one

41.FAVORITE SOUNDS? I have a lot of Kenny Chensney and Jimmy Buffett on my ipod.

42.ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Rolling Stones

43.WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? St Thomas, USVI

44.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Ohio

I'm doing WHAT, now?

I'm so frustrated with my body, with Clomid, the 9 freaking cysts, and with the damn progestin.

I stopped the progestin (oral progesterone) last week. It's similar to taking provera to start your period. I was taking the progestin to suppress my ovary function.

I started heavy bleeding late Friday night. By Saturday it had slowed down to spotting. Today nothing was really going on but I went ahead to my CD 3 u/s. The nurse said that could be "normal" for my period because of the progestin and that I've been spotting all month.

My right ovary is perfect. the two smaller cysts are gone. Great news!

Leftie is still causing problems. I still had the 28 mm cyst and the 14 mm cyst grew to 20 mm. Bad news. Those puppies are supposed to be going away!

They took my blood to see if it was a a functioning cyst. Yep, the dang thing is a follicle. My estrogen was too high for CD 3. Mine came back at 486 and normal for CD 3 is less than 40. The bleeding was probably just withdraw bleeding from the drop in progesterone.

So they think I'm ovulating! Their advice is to have sex every other day.
Yay if it wasn't CD 2freaking8.

Then I'm to come back when my period starts. The nurse didn't even have the tact to say IF my period starts.


I probably missed the ovulation window but I'm going to use an OPK later. I had my normal crampiness and sore breasts starting yesterday and just thought it was AF symptoms. I probably missed the egg already. I didn't catch how thick my lining was this morning on the u/s so who knows if pregnancy is even possible.

Another wasted cycle I have a feeling.

Oh, and for kicks I had an acupuncture session this afternoon and told him it was CD 3. They do different acu points at various times in my cycle. So who knows WTF that did.

Blindsided tackled at the super bowl party

I got blindsided at the super bowl party.

BIL's neighbor invited her adult son over to the party. They thought it would just be the husband that came because it was supposed to be an adult only party. Instead it was the whole family.

They had a 5 year old and a little baby. I wasn't prepared for that. I let myself get a little sad after dinner thinking about my EDD for my first miscarriage last week and what we didn't have. My frustrations of TTC are stacking up after two failed Clomid cycles and the 9 cysts. I started crying during the game but I pulled it together pretty quickly. No one noticed.

SIL wanted us to sit on the barstools which was right on top of the baby. She kept crying and jabbering. I had enough by the half time show. I think that's the first time I let myself get that sad in the presence of a baby.

I left without saying good bye to everyone. I just wanted to go home, eat some chocolate and sleep! My SIL was giving her kids a shower so she didn't know I left until later. Oh well.

Chris was completely understanding and supportive about the whole thing. He caught a ride home with his cousin at the end of the game so it was no big deal.

Self preservation is necessary at times but it's still a sucky thing to do.

This isn't working

The two Clomid cycles have been a waste.

The first cycle the IUI was 48 hours post trigger because we did a Post Coital Test at 24 hours. Awful timing. A single IUI should be at 36 hours post trigger shot. So not much chance of that one working from the get go after the failed PCT.

The second Clomid cycle it looks like I ovulated on CD 10 based on when my period started. I didn't start using OPK that cycle until after my u/s on CD 11. My nurse had assured me that it wasn't neccessary. Of course I kicked myself for not starting it sooner. We didn't even have sex until CD 10 that cycle. My lining was thin on CD 11 so there probably wasn't a chance even if we'd had timed intercourse before. Then I ended up with 9 cysts on my ovaries which required us to take a break cycle. After enduring the progestin hell, I'm taking stock of our situation.

So, the two medicated cycles have been a big bust. That's three wasted cycles.

We TTC on our own, for three unmedicated cycles and got pregnant twice. And miscarried twice of course.

So the score is:

Medicated cycles: 0-3
Unmedicated cycles: 2-3

Hmmm? Yeah. It's like that.


We both work for the same company and I feel like we've burned up some of their good graces by all the days we've already asked off for testing and procedures. We travel for work and a doctor appointment requires a complete day off.


There's been 5 firings in the past two days so I'm afraid to push our luck and jeopardize our jobs right now by asking for 2-3 days off for monitoring and IUI. Since they want to start doing follicle checks on CD 8 because of my early ovulation on Clomid, it might take two appointments before I could trigger. Then a third day would be required for the IUI. It's just getting too stressful right now.


I'm leaning towards taking a cycle or two off to TTC on our own without Clomid or IUI. There's no medical reason that we can't. It's only my age and thus questionable eggs that are bad quality which could be the reason for the miscarriages. But my hormones and his sperm are all normal.

TTC on our own with just the CBEFM and some Presed will reduce the stress level by 90%. It will also give me time to allow the accupunture to work. I have my first appointment on Monday!

Then we can do another cycle or two of Clomid/IUI before starting injectibles. That would be around May. We plan to stop traveling in May. I may have a different job by then.

Before we do injects, I would need to be home any way because the monitoring is a lot more often. I think you almost have to go every other day as they change your injectible dosage.

So we're going back to basics. I would be thrilled to death if I got pregnant again with a sticky baby. Of course the second I get pregnant again, I'll be scared to death. But I'd rather be pregnant and scared than unpregnant without hope.

I have a baseline u/s on Monday. I'm going to spring our plan on my nurse and see what she has to say.