Missing Piece By Lori Durante Rardin

Someone from my prayer group shared this touching poem about miscarriage.

Missing Piece
By Lori Durante Rardin

There are those of us
Who have had to bear even more.
When a pregnancy only occurs briefly,
Then our pain is like never before.

My body held a living life,
Apparent by the physical changes.
I could feel the difference in myself,
Nature was making its rearranges.

Then for some reason something went wrong.
The life was not growing as planned.
Nature discarded the problem,
And from me that life was disband.

My heart was torn away,
As darkness replaced that tear.
Emptiness, anger and despair abound.
Why is life so unfair?

Because of the months of trying,
Well-meaners choose a hurtful word,
“At least you can get pregnant,”
Does not console and is absurd.

It is like losing a limb
Dark and cold the bitterness feels.
A piece of my body seems missing,
No longer whole but peeled.

Then comes the anger at God.
How could he play this cruel joke?
Why tease me with my dream,
Then it’s gone in a masterstroke?

When the anger subsides,
I am left with only despair.
Pools of tears drop from my eyes.
The heart pain is difficult to bear.

Eventually I stop blaming the world.
I even blamed myself for a while.
The deep despair slowly lifts.
Looks like I’ll make it through this trial.

Even though the struggle was hard,
I take away many lessons to learn.
Free to look ahead at my future,
Yet my “missing piece” ember still burns.

Pregnancy: Take 3, Scene 3: Beta

I got the phone call! I knew it was good news when the blood draw nurse called me with the results and not my RE or her nurse.


The beta went from 104 to 1105.

Progesterone went from 24.8 to 45.29



Thank God! I'm so excited!

My beta had a doubling time of 35.2 hours over the course of 5 days.
Beta numbers should double every 48-72 hours. You can have a perfectly healthy pregnancy that doubles closer to 72 hours. My first pregnancy had a doubling time of only 66.7 hours. It's reassuring to see mine double quickly this time.

When the blood draws are over 48 hours you can use one of these two doubling calculators:
Betabase Calculator or Just mommies' Calculator



We have an u/s scheduled on 3/10 so I'm praying we get a strong heartbeat. I'll be 6 weeks and 6 days at that time. We may actually get an October baby out of this! :)

Pregnancy: Take 3, Scene 2

My beta doubled. I'm pregnant.

Thank God. This is truly a miracle after the crazy cycle that I had.

The beta started at 53 on Monday. A little under 48 hours later it was 104. So it's good. I of course, wanted a perfect 106 or better. But I'll take what I get. It's a start. And it's darn good considering the horrible bleeding I had a few days ago.

My estrogen went up to 231. So the estrogen patches are working. Hopefully the lining is making a cozy spot for the baby to grow.

The next beta is on Monday. We'll schedule an u/s after that.

I'm breathing, a little shakey, but I'm breathing.

In Memory of Al

On our wedding day

Cousin Big Al on the left, Christopher center, and brother Steve on right.

We lost a beautiful soul on Valentine's Day 2008. It could never be fitting that someone dies unexpectedly at only age 45. But some how the fact that he passed away on Valentine's day was appropriate, for he had the biggest heart and biggest love for his family and friends.

The funeral service was Tuesday. We left at 3:30 and got home at almost 11:00 pm. There was so many people there. Al was a postal carrier and people really turned out for him. A lot of the mail men and women showed up in their uniforms straight from work.

I'm almost in tears thinking about it again.

The priest called him "Big Al" during the whole service. Most of the family just started bawling when he did that. That was our nickname for him. His brother Tom did the eulogy and started off saying Al was even bigger than his 6 ft 5 inch frame. His heart was so big. He was bigger than life. Loved his friends and family so much. He lived life and enjoyed it to it's fullest. And that Al had the best job for him where he delivered mail and got to visit 500 of his friends every day.

I never met a happier guy than Al. He was his mom's full time caretaker for the past year or so since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. It hasn't been an easy year for him.

We had a private reception after the service at the Downtowner Saloon and Steakhouse. Al would have loved it! It was right on the intercoastal waterway. Right in front of the restaurant, there were huge beautiful boats and small yachts moored up.

Chris said he was going to drink a beer to Al and then he said, "Al's a big guy, I'm drinking at least two for him!" LOL

Dude. That was Al's favorite salutation. Dude, you're missed. You were one of a kind and will never be replaced.

Chris sent this to his cousins.

Here is a link to a song that I think BEST describes BIG AL pretty much to a T. It was a song written by Bruce Springsteen for his long time friend Terry Magovern, called TERRY'S SONG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avi4ucNc4FY&feature=related

Terry's Song

Well they built the Titanic to be one of a kind, but many ships have ruled the seasThey built the Eiffel Tower to stand alone, but they could build another if they pleaseTaj Mahal, the pyramids of Egypt, are unique I supposeBut when they built you, brother, they broke the mold

Now the world is filled with many wonders under the passing sunAnd sometimes something comes along and you know it's for sure the only oneThe Mona Lisa, the David, the Sistine Chapel, Jesus, Mary, and JoeAnd when they built you, brother, they broke the mold

When they built you, brother, they turned dust into goldWhen they built you, brother, they broke the mold

They say you can't take it with you, but I think that they're wrong'Cause all I know is I woke up this morning, and something big was goneGone into that dark ether where you're still young and hard and coldJust like when they built you, brother, they broke the mold

[harmonica bridge]

Now your death is upon us and we'll return your ashes to the earthAnd I know you'll take comfort in knowing you've been roundly blessed and cursedBut love is a power greater than death, just like the songs and stories toldAnd when she built you, brother, she broke the mold

That attitude's a power stronger than death, alive and burning her stone coldWhen they built you, brother

Pregnancy: Take 3

I really hope this one does take.

I went dress shopping for the funeral I had to attend. Of course the nurse called with my blood work results while I was in the fitting room. The poor lady next door got an earful. I had no shame.

The first thing the out of the nurse's mouth was, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!"


I'm so rude. I brushed that aside, didn't even acknowledge that she said anything. I asked for the numbers.



My beta on Monday morning was 53 at 13 DPO. I told her that seemed low. She reassured me that they were happy with it based on how early it was.

Actually it's not too bad. I would have loved to see it over 100 but hey it's in the range of normal.

My progesterone was *only* 24.8 while being supplemented. I'm definitely not thrilled with this number although I know it's a totally good level. But in my first pregnancy and the first cycle on Clomid, my progesterone levels were close to 40.

For the first time other than a CD 3 level, they checked my estrogen. It was only a 97. The nurse said it was a little low. She said that the RE would review the numbers and I would get a call back if she decided to supplement the estrogen too.

I didn't think to ask what a normal E2 level was. She caught me off guard with that. I know the beta ranges and progesterone but what do I know about estrogen? Nada. It surges briefly at ovulation and then raises quickly during early pregnancy. By googling I found that bythe 5th week of pregnancy it's commonly above 500. That makes my 97 sound puny.

I begged the nurse for supplements. I told her that I had been spotting all month from the progestin and was worried my lining wasn't thick enough.

Finally I got the call back. The RE said that this early there's no "normal" estrogen value but based on my history she would order me estrogen patches. YES! Maybe this baby has a chance. Normally she would not supplement any other patient with a 97 estrogen level. This was sounded quite different from the initial call from the nurse but I'll take it!

I started the estrogen patches on Monday night. Apparently I'm on a double dose as my insurance would only pay for one box. We'll have to work on that.

Of course the estrogen packaging and literature are covered with warnings not to use the patches if you're pregnant or could soon become pregnant.

Oh, and it can cause cancer too. Yeah, I begged for this.

So today I'm pregnant. I'm trying to be hopeful despite how crazy of a cycle this was. It was far from perfect with a late ovulation on CD 30 after 21 days of progestin to suppress my ovaries. But this is what we got. The doctor told us to have timed intercourse after catching my ovulation via ultrasound and bloodwork. And so we listened. And here we are.

Next beta is Wednesday morning.

Sit down for this

I had very heavy period like bleeding for about 36 hours late Thursday and all day Friday. I called it CD 1 and even scheduled my CD 3 baseline ultrasound to check on the cysts.
Then it went to very light spotting and almost stopped on Saturday. I kept feeling so awful and some of the things kept reminding me of my last chemical in August.
I just had a bad feeling for the past couple of days when I started spotting at 5 DPO and then bleeding at 9 DPO that a chemical pregnancy was a possiblity. I even talked myself out of testing on 10 DPO. I wanted to protect myself from the knowledge that I could be having another miscarriage. Finally after the the bleeding slowed down so much on Saturday, I couldn't take it any more. I tested.
It was a pretty faint line on the FRER but definitely pink and with in the time limit.

I admit that I emailed 2 of my close friends that I knew could still be up 11 pm and cussed up a storm about having a chemical pregnancy. They were super supportive as always. Then I phoned the on call doctor who told me I could start the left over progesterone supplements from my Clomid cycles. I go on Monday for a beta.

But in all honesty, it's probably just a chemical pregnancy based on the amount of bleeding I've had.


I'm not one to share "weird feelings" unless I have some proof. At this point, I hope to have some hcg still left in my system for the blood draw on Monday. I know chemical pregnancies happen all the time without evidence other than a positive pee stick at home. But I worry about being taken seriously. ::big eye roll::
I did get a positive on Sunday with a digital pregnancy test so that was reassuring in a small way.

I almost didn't share it with my pregnancy loss prayer group. But then I got an email from another friend in that group and decided that it was a lack of faith NOT to ask for prayers. Miracles do happen after all. I just usually don't expect them for me.

I'm okay with it. Kind of numb I suppose. I've had two miscarriages, I can get through a third. I just want to know for sure that it's a CP and then I can stop the progesterone. Part of me didn't even want to bother with it but there's always a small chance. I didn't think anything good could come of this late ovulation. And things definitely aren't looking good.

There's no way in hell I'm announcing a BFP. I didn't even do that with my second pregnancy and I was only spotting then.

40 days and 40 nights

After 40 days, which included 21 days of progestin hell, 4 transvaginal u/s, 9 cysts, spotting and bleeding every couple of days, and a two vials of blood, it's finally over.
TCOYF Chart

Today is officially CD 1. We can begin a new cycle!


I've been having a great internal debate about what to do this cycle. Do we try on our own with an unmedicated cyle or should I push for Femara?

I'm having all the bad side effects from Clomid. My CM is hostile which forces us to do IUI instead of the much cheaper timed intercourse. I ovulated early the second cycle of Clomid and had a thin uterine lining on CD 11. And I'm experience ovarian disfunction by the way of 9 monster ovarian cysts.

Add those side effects to the fact that we're having trouble taking off so much work for the monitoring and IUI appointments, and I think we have a good case to switch to Femara.
Femara doesn't cause hostile CM or thining of the uterine lining. Hopefully I won't get the cysts either. With Femara, we shouldn't need IUI so that will save us time and money!


Reasons for TTC unmedicated this cycle:

We have a funeral to attend for a cousin that was like a brother to my husband. Chris is understandably off his game from Al's unexpected death. He doesn't need any additional stress right now.

This would give the acupuncture time to work.

I wouldn't have to worry about days off for doctor's appointments.

I could get back my diet in earnest.

Waiting could mean that the next medicated cycle might be when I have a less stressful job that doesn't require travel.


Reasons to TTC with Femara this cycle:

I'm losing approx 10,000 eggs a cycle with an already suspect ovarian reserve.

My EDD for the previous m/c and the chances for a 2008 baby are flying by.

I'm tired of TTC with ill timed procdures and only getting cysts.

Maybe they would let us just have Timed Intercourse instead of IUI.

I wanted a baby 4 years ago. I really, really wanted a baby when we started TTC a year ago. I really, really, really wanted a baby on my EDD of 1/28/08. And I really, really, really, really want a baby NOW! (Yeah, minor tantrum. Sorry)


I think the reasons to wait, out weigh the reasons to push for Femara this cycle. The big reason is Christopher's grieving for his cousin. He doesn't need the extra pressure to perform for the sake of a medicated cycle. This will give us both some breathing room free of tests and procedures.

We'll probably just try on our own this cycle. That's probably best. Right? I'm so torn.

I scheduled the baseline u/s for Monday. Hopefully I don't have any more left over cysts. I'm feeling a little crampy so it's entirely possible that some are still there. We'll have to make the decision to TTC on our own or go on a medicine to suppress my ovary function again. I know which way I'm voting! I'll also pitch my idea of switching to Femara for the next cycle. Wish me luck. :)